August 4, 2008 by The Colonel

I'm pale and unattractive! Controversy!

Dood! You wouldn’t believe it if I told you. Ok, you would, because like most attention-seeking, publicist-controlled, pre-pubescent young starlets, Miley Cyrus has “sexy” new photos dressed in a bikini. And underpants! Awesome! Jail bait!

Yes, that’s right. Take a deep breath. The daughter of none other than Mr. Achy Breaky Heart himself, Billy Ray Cyrus, has some photos online, of her… in a bikini! AND UNDERPANTS! Why is this such big news? I don’t know! But what I do know is that, according to Fox News, “the latest round of racy pics also features Cyrus showing-off her lil’ bod in an itsy-bitsy bikini.” WOAH! While I couldn’t possibly give a crap, the only thing I know is that the interns have been transfixed by said “racy pics” and I felt compelled to, well, loudly not give a crap. Well, that and to pose a simple question.

What the hell is wrong with you people?

Seriously, why is this such a sensational story? I’ll let you all in on a little secret. There are these things called fifteen-year-olds. They’re amazingly retarded. We’re talking epic here, folks. Plus, on top of being retarded, they like being popular. As if that wasn’t enough, they haven’t a drop of common sense with regard to long-term consequences. We’re talking about a veritable ‘tard cocktail.

To put it simply, if there’s anything more dangerous than an attention-seeking retard with poor long-term planning skills, I don’t want to meet it.

But most likely, this has nothing to do with Ms. Cyrus or her poor decisions, it probably has more to do with some douchy publicist trying to draw attention and rake up a little more cash. It usually goes like this:

1.) Take hawt barely-legal photos of a popular starlet.
2.) Distribute hawt barely-legal photos of said starlet on the internet.
3.) ???

Now you’re all going, “But, Sir Blackwell, you sexy bastard, how is participating in this retarded system of celebrity news contributing to both my personal corruption and the downfall of society as a whole?” To that, I have but one answer: if you’re not smart enough to figure it out, we’re already doomed.

~The Colonel