THE VAULT

Oh, Say Can You See?
July 2, 2007 by The Colonel

Don't be a retard. Even kids understand patriotism.

Freedom: a word that elicits feelings of passion. Feelings of patriotism. Feelings of pyromania. The great celebration of the founding of this glorious country stands before us and just like every year, the staff here at Slantmouth is going to spend it doing one thing: blowing stuff up.

We know what you’re thinking: we’re nuts. Who in their right mind openly declares that they’re going to blow something up without fearing an impending incarceration in Guantanamo Bay? We’ll tell you exactly who, bitches: All-American Patriots.

This Independence Day, like so very many before it, we’ll gather on the lawn in front of Slantmouth Headquarters and make the loudest, most impetuous display of patriotism anyone’s seen in this country since the last Bruce Springsteen concert. Rockets red glare, bombs bursting in air, you bet, and the sparklers, oh, so many sparklers.

The interns have been toiling for at least 2 months solid on this shindig, and they will not disappoint, for disappointing The Colonel on his favorite day of the year means only one thing: they become part of the fireworks display. While the armies of interns that have been lost to this tribute to patriotism (The Colonel is not an easy man to please) clearly deserve to be placed into the hallowed ground at Arlington Cemetery, the government is a little strict with regard to their policies about non-military civilians being buried in said Cemetery. It’s a travesty, really, seeing as how this festive display more closely resembles a battlefield than most troops ever see.

Unlike a battlefield, however, our patriotic party features a 27-foot-tall robotic baby Jesus that shoots spark from his eyes and chants, “I bless America! I bless America!” in an endearingly monotonous, robotic tone. We’re hoping that this year, the big baby Jesus (BBJ, for those in “the Biz”) doesn’t run amok like it has for the past few years. We’ve considered getting it looked at by professionals, but then we wouldn’t have the budget for the 40-foot-tall Abraham Lincoln, with real, working stove pipe hat rocket launcher for the grand finale. Plus, since the show ends with an epic battle between BBJ and Lincoln, one hand pretty much washes the other in this circumstance.

With all the trouble America has been in lately, we figure the best thing to do to show man and beast alike that this great nation is still truly great is a flashy, bombastic display, filled with shiny lights, fire, glitter, explosions, fighting robots, probably a few swear words, and/or a gaggle of bikini-clad Lady Liberties firing “God Bless This Rack” T-shirts at hapless onlookers.

And even if our little show violates several health code policies, explosives mandates, nuclear arms rules, both air and water pollution standards, and noise ordinances, it’s only illegal if you get caught. Besides, President Bush seems to be pretty friendly lately about letting off true patriots. Just ask Scooter Libby!

~The Colonel