THE VAULT

Fair and Challenged
March 20, 2006 by The Colonel

Slowing it down, just for YOU!

Sometimes, things are simply too busy here at Slantmouth to give you all the stories. With all the war, death, violence, and chicken love in the world: who has time to cover the little things, like the Oscars? As important as they may seem, we really couldn’t care less about them. However, in an ongoing effort to bring you what you deserve as a loyal reader of Slantmouth (your membership badges are in the mail, we swear), this week, we give you a grab bag of stories from the wonderful world of miscellany! Pay attention, it could be infotastic!

Jessica Simpson, idiot for the ages

This week, Jessica Simpson, international idiot, was on Capitol Hill to lobby Congress on behalf of Operation Smile, an organization that provides reconstructive surgery to children with facial deformities. This brings to question: why aren’t children in this country good enough to have facial reconstructive surgery? Regardless, the topic on everyone’s mind was whether Simpson was going to be visiting the GOP fundraiser, which was to take place at roughly the same time. For those who were wondering why her marriage to Nick Lachey broke up, I suppose we finally have an answer. In a quote, Ditzy McMoron had this to say, “I’m a big fan of Bush.” Joe Simpson, speaking on the possibility of his daughter trying to squeeze in a meeting with Bush, stated, “We’re just trying to get in and out.” Slantmouth, at this time, has no comment.

The Love Train of Death

Another blonde made headlines this week, only this was slightly sadder news. While walking home along railroad tracks, Tara Rose McAvoy, named Miss Deaf Texas in 2005, was struck and killed by a train while text messaging friends and family. This forever put to rest the myth that blondes have more fun. Reportedly, they sounded the horn repeatedly, but as we know, she didn’t hear it. Some may say that this was because she was deaf, but as Slantmouth has learned, via the Slantmouth Audio Dispersion Division (SADD), knows that it was because she was distracted text messaging. Burton Crosby, lead of Deaf Audio Research at SADD, “We have to caution the deaf about the dangers of text messaging. While she may not have heard the train, Sara should at very least have felt the vibrations.” He added, “I curse the all-consuming distracter that that is text messaging, and the devil who invented it!” Claire Bugen, superintendent of the Texas School for the Deaf, had kind words for the departed deaf beauty queen, “She was a beautiful, bright, young deaf woman.” Slantmouth wishes her hearing family a better fate.

Hayes is Silly for Scientology

In lighter news, Isaac Hayes, South Park’s Chef and Noted Scientologist, quit the show on the grounds of “bigotry.” Now, one would assume that he’d be referring to race, but this sort of bigotry refers to a more intangible reason to hate someone- religion. In response to his resignation, the creators of South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, had this to say, “So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!” In response, top Scientologist douche bag, Tom Cruise, whose antics on Oprah shocked a nation, had this to say. Clearly, Mr. Cruise is a very angry, crazy man. It is with this that Slantmouth would like to officially state that we back Lord Xenu, and all of his efforts against Scientologists worldwide. We’re chock full of Thetans, and we love it!

Fat Assl- Rocking Once Again

Our final story has been literally a decade in the making. Apparently, after years and years, the band Guns N’ Roses will be releasing a new album. While the band now consists of only Axl Rose, the deposed, screeching misfit that has turned into a deposed, screeching fat ass, the word is people are quite anxious to hear something from this new album.

Well, wait no longer fans of off-key caterwauling- Slantmouth has the exclusive! Obtained by friends of friends, who know this guy, who is the brother of the sister of the cousin of the head of our Department of Shifty Dealings in Unauthorized Material, Slantmouth has been able to obtain vocal tracks from some of the new songs on the album. The first track called “There was a Time,” is a heart-touching ballad where Rose sings the laments of his expanding waistline, and reflects upon how he was once a slender fellow.

The second track, entitled, “The Blues,” is a return to GNR at their finest, in which Axl rages about his hate for his tattered jeans and how he no longer fits into them. “IRS,” another rocking number that rages about all of the money he still owes, and how if it wasn’t for him bilking the record company like a bunch of chumps for ten years, then he’d be flat broke right now. And finally, the title track, called “Chinese Democracy,” which, of course, is about Democracy in China.

We hope that this has brought you up to speed on all of the inane garbage that you’ve come to expect from your standard news outlets.

~The Colonel