THE VAULT

Dixar Us
January 30, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

Our dear friend, Walt Disney

In a blockbuster deal, The Walt Disney Company acquired Pixar Animation Studios for $7.4 billion. Recent years have seen Disney fail to capture the imagination or money of its audience. The sale of breakfast cereal tie-ins, the Industry Standard Indicator on a movie’s success, has been gradually decreasing with each subsequent film. Many higher-ups on the Board of Directors thought that the concentration on hand drawn animation, instead of computer-generated animation, was hurting Disney films at the box office. They concluded that it had nothing to do with the films being both poorly conceived and executed.

Slantmouth’s crack investigative team recently uncovered shocking documents detailing Disney’s previous attempts to resurrect their animation studios prior to this monumental partnership.

In 2001, after extensive secret interviews, Disney hired a new team to work on the problem of raising their previous successes from the grave. This new team consisted of old Nazi occultists, who worked under Hitler. Prior to World War II, they decided that the whole Nazi thing was a little silly and was distracting them from serious studies of the occult.

The team consisted of nine members, which Michael Eisner ingeniously dubbed “Nine Old Men” (NOM). Most of NOM were having serious health problems. In order to get the most out of this newly formed team, Eisner hired a full-time medical staff. While most teams at Disney were discussing ideas over the water cooler, the NOM were discussing plans over changed colostomy bags.

The Disney Board of Directors became angry over the fate of the company being placed in the bony, shaking hands of this new team. Eisner justified the move by saying, “If Walt Disney himself were still alive, he’d be their age. Would you wrestle the company out of his hands just because he wore adult diapers? These Nazis have a successful track record. Let’s have a little faith.“

Eisner’s defense gave the leader of NOM, Dr. Heinrich Jonas, a wonderful idea. What if Walt Disney were still alive? Surely he would know how to return his company to its former glory. With this thought in Jonas’s head he had his secretary dictate his ideas. He had long lost his ability to write due to being paralyzed from his neck down. The paralysis was the result of a freak ice curling accident. Details are scarce, but the effects were devastating. Fortunately, his brilliant occultist mind was left intact.

After months of brainstorming, Dr. Jonas had devised a detailed plan. Using the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney, NOM would resurrect him and place him back in charge of The Walt Disney Company. The project was codenamed “Return of the King”.

On a rainy night, NOM assembled at Stonehedge to perform the ceremony. They stood in a circle, Walt’s frozen head at the center. It had been years since Mr. Disney’s head had seen the outside world, as it had been held under lock and key within the walls of Disney Land for years. Only the members of the Board of Directors had even seen it. Every new board member was required to rub the head with their nose as an initiation. Eyewitnesses claim that the head resembled a “shriveled-up turnip”.

When the head had finally thawed to an optimal occult saturation level, the ceremony began. Some words were uttered in a long forgotten language, a few terrible ancient gods were called upon, and lightening may have struck. As the smoke cleared, the NOM found that the project had been a success. Walt Disney had been brought back, but it appeared that a blood sacrifice had been necessary. Seven of the nine men died of pneumonia instantly. While doctors claimed that the pneumonia was due to standing in the cold rain for several hours and being decrepitly old, Dr. Jonas knew that the old gods needed blood to bring back Disney. He, of course, kept this to himself, as he knew that the other members of NOM would not agree to sacrificing what little life they had left.

Jonas wanted to have one last great achievement before he died. Unfortunately, something had gone wrong. While Walt Disney was among the world of the living, he had been changed. Among other things his shoe size was two sizes smaller, he now had a handle bar mustache, and he no longer loved the taste of chicken livers.

Besides various characteristics being off, Disney’s mind had become warped. Eisner arranged for Walt to have an office at the Experimental Prototype City of Tomorrow (EPCOT). Disney was given a space to recuperate, as well as brainstorm and draw. Whatever he came up with, the Disney Company was willing to turn it into an animated feature. Unfortunately, all of Disney’s concepts revolved around Mickey Mouse, dressed as a Japanese schoolgirl, fighting salacious tentacles. While the Board had been overjoyed with the news that Disney had returned, they had no idea what to make of his newest output. Eisner shrugged it off as a phase. Walt was just rusty. He would be cranking out genius in no time.

Months passed and still the only thing to show for it was a room full of the same strange drawings. Later, Goofy and Donald made appearances in the sketches, but they too were wearing schoolgirl outfits. The only protagonist that was not wearing the outfit was a brand new character that Walt had created named Hayabusa. He carried a sword that was bigger than his entire body, which he used to destroy the tentacles in unnecessarily gory displays.

Eisner realized that a mistake had been made. They should not have tried to play with forces beyond their control. Feeling the burden of responsibility on his shoulders, Eisner felt that he would be the one who would have to handle this situation. So, in early 2002, he took Walt to a grassy field and ended the experiment with the blast of a double-barrel shotgun to the back of the head.

Around the same time, the remaining members of the now inaccurately named “Nine Old Men” disappeared. Their whereabouts are still unknown. Though, recent sightings place Dr. Heinrich Jonas as old and/or dead.

Already utilizing his new position within Disney, Steve Jobs has announced plans for the digital spirit of Walt Disney to be available via iTunes.

The Slantmouth staff hopes that this new partnership goes far better than a team of ex-Nazi occultists trying to resurrect the dead.

~Julius Serpentine