THE VAULT

CelebriMonkey: So Long, Sweetie
February 9, 2007 by Amber Starr CelebriMonkey

Reflecting.Hello, Gossip-bots. I’d like to have returned under better circumstances, but sometimes tragedy is the only thing that can break the spell white sand beaches and a Mai Tai have over me.

Anna Nicole Smith, the tabloid mainstay, passed away yesterday of undetermined causes. She was to gossip columns what groupies are to rock stars. She was always prepared to give us more of herself than we were really comfortable with, and afterwards we’d tell her to get the hell away because we had to take a phone call from our wife and kids.

Like most everyone in Hollywood, she was troubled. She went from being a stripper, to a Guess? Jeans model, to the Playboy Playmate of the Year in what seemed like a flash. It was a camera flash and it was capturing her body in its entire well-paid glory. The poor girl wanted our attention and, as long as it was convenient, we didn’t mind giving it to her. She just needed to give us a little bit more of herself each time. The previous dose of Anna Nicole just wasn’t enough anymore.

If you’ve been around Hollywood long enough you know what a quick rise does to a pretty young things head. Oh, that sweet little girl with a chest the size of twin full-grown Japanese businessmen in garbage bags. If you looked like she did you wouldn’t last two seconds in the Land of Celebrity without getting your fill of men and drugs. It’s a playground for your most base desires, even if you didn’t know you had them.

I’ve played on those playgrounds. I’ve experienced the kind of things people fantasize about with sweaty palms in their private moments, but until you get there you don’t know that it really is only a fantasy, my dears. Nothing is as good as it looks on the cover of a glossy magazine.

Anna Nicole didn’t read that memo or maybe it just got lost between all of the men who read Playboy just for the articles. How will those men remember her? Will they remember her marrying an octogenarian billionaire, who died a year later? Will they remember her for her daughter, who doesn’t have a father?

The latest person to claim to have impregnated Anna Nicole is Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband, Prince Fredrick von Anhalt, who has said that he had been involved with Anna Nicole for several years. It looks like the responsibility of raising a 5-month-old girl and millions of dollars is its own reward.

A Los Angeles Judge has ordered her body to be preserved until February 20th because of a pending paternity suit, but the Internet will preserve her a lot longer, so an entire generation of hairy-palmed teenagers can remember Anna Nicole forever.

~Amber Starr CelebriMonkey