THE VAULT

CelebriMonkey: Celebrity Roundup
October 28, 2006 by Amber Starr CelebriMonkey

Hello, my lovely little gossip-bots! It’s time to recap this week’s celebrity news.

Courtney Love has reportedly turned to Buddhism to make amends for her past. Now, whenever she has a problem she turns to her faith. Sweetheart, if the drugs weren’t helping, Buddhism doesn’t stand a chance.

Love’s filthy grunge husband, Kurt Cobain, topped Forbes magazine’s list of highest earning dead celebrities, beating out Elvis for the top spot. Elvis, another drug abusing rock icon, had been the reigning king for the last four years. Thank God a fatty who died with his pants around his ankles doesn’t top the Forbes list anymore. It was getting a little embarrassing, like how being married to Michael Jackson then Nicholas Cage is a little embarrassing. I’m looking at you Lisa Marie.

On the topic of famous musicians’ daughters, Nicole Ritchie, daughter of Lionel Ritchie, has checked into a treatment facility to address her inability to gain weight. Nicole is working with a team of doctors and nutritionists to figure out the problem. Let me save you a little time and money, sweetie; eat a cheeseburger without putting that bony finger down your throat. Just try it a few times. It’ll work wonders. I promise.

In pop stars with kids news, Madonna’s attempt to adopt a one-year-old African boy from Malawi has been met with resistance, even with the support of the young boy’s Father. Her adoption case has been adjourned until next month. I hope the adoption goes through. More time raising kids means less time filming music videos featuring Madonna’s 47-year-old body in pink spandex. No thanks. I prefer keeping my lunch down, dear. I don’t want to end up with a figure like a coat rack, Nicole Ritchie style.

Though, I’ll hand it to you Madonna, you’re doing much better than your one-time heir apparent, Britney Spears, who looks like she got hit by a trailer park tornado. Her down-home charm disappeared somewhere between her first and second chin.

Speaking of seconds, the name of her recently born second son was revealed: Jayden James Federline. I look forward to writing about the little Federline in the future when he’s getting out of rehab with Frances Bean Cobain.

Ciao, gossip-bots!

~Amber Starr CelebriMonkey