THE VAULT

CelebriMonkey: Celebrity Roundup VI
December 20, 2006 by Amber Starr CelebriMonkey

Welcome, my lovely little gossip-bots! I’m back and writing as I cruise down the French Riviera, drinking with impossibly beautiful men and women. Living an actual life makes me almost completely forget about celebrities and their useless problems, but I could never leave my readers out in the cold like that.

On to the celebrities!

Doing her best celebrity impersonation of a marginally talented starlet trading in on her good looks, Miss USA Tara Conner will be checking into rehab. Her under-aged drinking, positive drug test, and public displays of affection with Miss Teen USA have her on course to compete with even the most seasoned celebrity bitchlets. Instead of stripping her title, Donald Trump, whose organization owns the Miss Universe pageant, decided to give the beauty queen a second chance. I’m all about second chances. It just means more opportunities for me to write about your sad, sad future, Tara. So go ahead and whore it up!

Another member of Team Rehab, Lindsay Lohan has been training for an upcoming role as a stripper. Not for her role in life in about three years, but for a movie. Though, I’m impressed by your foresight in killing two whores with one stone, Lindsay. It’s never too early to get prepared, dear.

It turns out that her stripper training classes have resulted in some severe bruising in her upper and inner thigh. She hasn’t seen this kind of bruising in that area since the last time she woke up drunkenly next to a strange, sweaty five hundred pound man. A couple of shots of vodka can be very slimming, apparently.

Speaking of celebrity strippers, Britney Spears can’t keep herself out of the news. This time she had to be asked to get off of stage at a burlesque show, so that the non-white trash performers could do their job.

She was seen gyrating and exposing her bra on stage in front of a crowd. Britney, sweetheart, maybe K-Fed wasn’t such a bad thing. At least then your skanky brand of crazy was contained to your private life. Now it’s on display for all of us to see. You having a K-Fed baby every couple of years is a price I’m willing to pay to stop this madness. Quick, take him back. There’s still time before he impregnates someone else, but that biological time bomb is ticking.

In other celebrity women with loser news, Sharon Stone is confirmed to be dating Christian Slater. He’s still alive?

That’s all for this week, gossip-bots. Ciao!

~Amber Starr CelebriMonkey