THE VAULT

CelebriMonkey: Celebrity Roundup III
November 22, 2006 by Amber Starr CelebriMonkey

Hello, gossip-bots! I’m back once again, to show you how you’re actually much better than the people you idolize. If you still don’t believe me after this column, down a few drinks. It always works for me.

Now on to the celebrities!

Michael Richards, the actor who played Kramer on “Seinfeld”, is in the news and relevant for the first time in years. Unfortunately, it isn’t because he’s done anything funny, which, had he actually done something funny, would’ve also been for the first time in years. While performing in a Los Angeles comedy club, Richards was being heckled and unleashed his bitter, washed-up rage on the heckler, a black man.

Richards proceeded to drop the N-bomb several times in his frustrated– probably sexually frustrated– tirade. I’m counting the seconds till K-Fed has a similar outburst at one of his rap concerts. Unfortunately, no one will be reporting it, since he’ll be the only one there when it happens, as usual.

Speaking of desperate, gold-digging lowlifes, O.J. Simpson’s book deal and the accompanying television special have been canceled. The book, If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened, was a theoretical account of how O.J. would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman if he had actually done it. O.J., can we stop pretending yet? A girl can only stretch her imagination so far.

Rupert Murdock’s Fox network, which has slipped to fourth in the ratings this season, was going to air the special. Rupert, if you want to increase ratings, why not try to get scandalous theoretical accounts from other celebrities, like If I Did It, Here’s How I Molested Some Boys from Michael Jackson or If I Did It, Here’s How I Peed On An Underage Girl from R. Kelly? Those will probably be harder to get, Rupert dear, since neither of them are currently as desperate for money and attention as your network.

On the topic of strange men with strange problems, Tom Cruise recently married Katie Holmes and they are currently on their honeymoon in the Maldives. Their daughter and two other unidentified people accompanied them. Katie, you poor, silly girl with your misshapen smile and average looks, run while you still can! The Church of Scientology has sent two people to watch you on your honeymoon. Leave now, sweetheart, unless you’re into that kind of thing.

That’s all, gossip-bots. Ciao!

~Amber Starr CelebriMonkey