THE VAULT

CelebriMonkey: Celebrity Roundup II
November 7, 2006 by Amber Starr CelebriMonkey

Hello, my gossip-bots! It’s been a while. Did you miss me? I almost missed you, after my fifth wine cooler. Enough about you, let’s talk about some celebrities.

Kirstie Alley, refusing to be fat and go away, appeared on Oprah yesterday in a bikini. Alley, once tipping the scales and compact cars at 219 pounds, has lost 75 pounds. The former “Cheers” cast member starred most recently in her reality show “Fat Actress”, where she played the only role she’s played for several years; a fat actress.

I’m really proud of you, Kirstie. Now that you’ve shed all of that weight at the ripe age of 55, you can finally start a new phase of your career; being an old actress. But don’t gain it back, dear. Kathy Bates dominates the competition for old, fat actresses. You don’t want to tangle with her. I hear she’s a vicious bitch (and a biter).

In other weight loss news, a fit Britney Spears made a surprise appearance on the David Letterman show in New York. Meanwhile, in Los Angles, a judge was throwing out Spears’ lawsuit against Us Weekly for publishing a rumor claiming that she and Kevin Federline were worried about the release of a sex tape they had made. The judge ruled that since Britney had very publicly used her sexuality to sell records it was unlikely that this report would defame her in any way. I know you’re a little bit slow when it comes to using your brain Britney, so let me translate what the judge means, sweetie: You’re a whore. If you and Federline haven’t made a tape you might want to think about it, that way your husband can actually sell something with his name on it.

In other loser news, an 18-year-old Russian immigrant was arrested for allegedly stalking and making death threats against Hilary Duff. The man reportedly emigrated to the United States two years ago just to be with her. I hope this young man gets the help he needs. He’s obviously mentally ill if he came all the way to this country to hook up with a C-list celebrity. With the right care he’ll set his sights a little higher and be stalking Reese Witherspoon’s assistant in no time.

Finally, Snoop Dogg has turned himself in to the police to face charges on possession of a deadly weapon. The rapper was trying to catch a flight when airport security noticed a long metal object in his laptop case. In cases like this nine times out of ten it’s an electric razor, but every once in a while it’s a 20-inch collapsible baton. I didn’t know you were into the rough stuff, Snoop. I’m sure your cellmate will keep that in mind. Remember to wear protection. Riot gear should work.

That’s it for this week, gossip-bots. Ciao!

~Amber Starr CelebriMonkey