THE VAULT

Beyonce and Beyond
July 31, 2007 by The Colonel

Real news! Get it, while supplies last!

Take it from the staff here at Slantmouth. Keeping up with the news is hard. I mean, it seems like every day something happens. Something new! Sometimes multiple things happen. It’s crazy. What with the war, the terror (oh, the terror), politics, babies having babies, babies aborting babies, babies eating babies, and um, the weather, it’s tough staying current. It’s bleeding exhausting. I often wonder how other fine news outlets like CNN, Fox, or MSNBC do it.

Think of all of the important news that happened this week, and attempt to keep your skull from exploding. You can’t do it. Your mind = officially blown. It’s a tough job, our staff at Slantmouth understands, listen: we sympathize. We have a hard time publishing quality content to the internet alone, meanwhile you guys produce 365 days of nonstop news to inform the citizens of their impeding doom. Really, ladies and gents, top notch. In fact, you never miss an opportunity to inform us of what really matters, and this week you delivered again, with Beyonce Knowles.

Here we were, sitting around at Slantmouth, all violently wondering, what’s going on with Beyonce Knowles? How’s she doing, and more importantly, how does she do it? Then, BAM! Magic. Give me drama. Give me gold-painted pants. Give me the wonder that is Beyonce. Thank you, CNN.

We’re in awe of the depth, the breadth of your coverage. It’s amazing:

CNN: I’ve been reading you’re going to do another musical — Elton John’s “Aida.”

BEYONCE: Oh yeah, I read that too. The “Aida” thing? I mean, I would love that, it sounds like a good idea. But I haven’t had any meetings about it.

What is the key to quality journalism? Research. And once again, you pulled through, CNN. You know more about what she’s doing than even she does! She’d probably never even heard of Elton John before you told her she was doing the project. How does one achieve such transcendence in journalism? Spies? Midget spies? A pact with Satan?

If only the excellence stopped there, but it didn’t. It continued to excel. My appreciation for a massive news conglomerate has never been so complete.

You’re never afraid to ask the hard questions. For instance:

CNN: Does it ever get easy to dance on stage in high heels?

BEYONCE: The easiest part is dancing in the heels. I don’t even think about it anymore; it’s just second nature. But it is difficult to dance, to sing at the same time. I have to make sure I’m in shape and I’m hydrated…I don’t want to wear myself out and get exhausted.

And then, you magnificent bastards, you provide footage of her stumbling. What a lying bitch! Hard. Hitting. Journalism. If we could clap any harder for this brand of excellence in journalism, we’d shatter our hands. Seriously, CNN kudos. We’re completely sick and tired of these celebrities not being held accountable for lying. Give them an inch; they’ll take a mile, those Sneaky Petes.

Slantmouth salutes you, CNN. You’ve brought to light the most important issue of today, how Beyonce’s doing. One minor thing, consider it constructive critique, if you would, could you get around to covering some of the over-reaching powers of the executive branch? Please? How about some hard-hitting journalism on all of this corruption business I’ve been hearing about? You know what? Forget it. There’s a story here about a cat that predicts peoples’ deaths. Awesome.

And, for the record, if there’s any doubt what Slantmouth has reported to you here isn’t true… Behold!

~The Colonel