THE VAULT

Anything but the War
January 15, 2007 by The Colonel

Where they go, we follow.

Let’s face it: things have been pretty heavy lately. The President, muttering through an evening address to send more to Iraq, Israel threatening to nuke Iran’s nukes, and the big Dick Cheney dismissing the notion of a “war committee.” Yeah. It’s been heavy. Scary. Tyrannical, even. I have shouted, I have cursed, I have cried, I even wet myself a little. But this week, here at Slantmouth, we’re doing a good, old-fashioned news round up about everything except the war, government and politics. Hell, the rest of the news media seems to be trying to distract you from it, why shouldn’t we?

Awww... just like a human baby! Annoying.

In Atlanta, Georgia, the Zoo Atlanta debuted their 4-month-old giant panda cub, Mei Lan, this week. The adorable ball of fluff and sunshine made chirping noises, signaling that she wasn’t happy about being out of her nest, as zookeepers laughed at her distress. “You can’t rush it,” said the curator of the exhibit, Rebecca Snyder, continuing, “You have to let the animals tell you when they’re ready, but since they can’t talk, you have to make them ready. Usually by forcing them.”

With the help of the skilled employees, the baby panda is learning to walk and climb, although according to people who’ve actually seen the panda cub, it looked a lot more like stumbling around uncontrollably. Mei Lan (which means Atlanta Beauty in Chinese) is expected to provide many visitors with 43.5 metric tons of useless collectibles such as stuffed baby pandas, coffee mugs, T-shirts, key chains, games, thong underpants, and of course, commemorative plaques. Ah, profiteering in the name of conservation, I love America!

That's the look of enlightenment, no doubt.

Speaking of profiteering, it sounds like the Church of Scientology may be welcoming a new member: Posh Spice. Although Slantmouth has been seriously courting the rail-thin pop star turned fashion designer to join Slantmouthology (we’ve already got Steve Buscemi, baby!) but despite our efforts, she may have decided to turn to the dark side.

According to the Church of Scientology, “We need another power couple to conceive, and this time, it must be a boy.” By the rules of the cult, since the union of TomKat failed to produce a boy, this generation is not fit to yield a reincarnation of Hubbard. Now, they must turn to another celebrity couple, to produce a suitable mate for Suri. After 18 years in preparatory pods called, “Dromes” the pair will emerge to breed, then be allowed to roam freely for 9 months. Once the baby’s gestation is complete and the baby born, the mother and father shall be chopped to bits and fed to the infant over the course of its development.

This may seem brutal, but it is required for the second coming of Hub.

Behold!

In other second coming news, the launch of the much-lauded iPhone last week has been compared to the second coming of Christ. And, as though witnessing the rebirth of a messiah, a room of 4000 sat on the edge of their seats, wide eyed and drooling with amazement while idol Steve Jobs revealed this wonderous device. We’re just hoping drool was the only fluid that had to be mopped up off of the floor of the Expo center.

The iPhone is a lot of things. Most obviously, it’s a phone. But not the kind of phone you’re used to, for instance, iPhone has no buttons. The sexy touch-screen seamlessly displays different contextual user interfaces, depending on what you’re doing, be it email, internet browsing, or calling. Need to type an email? The iPhone will display a full keyboard for you to start typing away at. Need to get a better look at that racy picture your uncle just emailed you? Simply slide two fingers apart to zoom in on an area… pervert.

In an amazing turn of events, from the very moment iPhone was unveiled, Apple’s stocks went up and competitors stocks plummeted. But the looming gains Apple made were quickly overshadowed by a lawsuit from Cisco threatening to strip the phone of its name, due to a previously held copyright. Apple quickly responded saying, “Those guys are a bunch of jealous, whiny bitches. The iPhone is ours. OURS!”

While no one is sure how all of this iPhone business will turn out, the world has a lot of speculating to do before its release in June 2007. I just also hope it does my laundry.

Well, I'm feeling uplifted!

Faithful Slantmouthers, I hope this diversion has served you well. We live in a scary world now, filled with danger, intrigue, and bad leadership. Slantmouth will continue to try to bring you the best news that news has to offer, but sometimes it’s going to hurt. Rest assured, it will all be over eventually.

~The Colonel