The Vampire LeColonel
September 18, 2006 by The Colonel

I'm so mysterious, like some brand of gloomy ninja!

In unfortunate events this week, Kimveer Gill went on a shooting spree at his college in Canada before police shot and killed him. He was 25 years old. Though his motives were vague, postings on a site called Vampire Freaks tell a fuller story. He considered himself an Angel of Death, and reportedly hated jocks, preps, country music, and Hip-Hop. Clearly, Kimveer was filled with hate.

“I hate this world, I hate the people in it, I hate the way people live, I hate God, I hate the deceivers, I hate betrayers, I hate religious zealots, I hate everything … I hate so much … (I could write 1,000 more lines like these, but does it really matter, does anyone even care),” he posted back in March.

These happenings have been a hot topic in various online communities, especially on Vampire Freaks, where Gill was known as Trench. Although the administrators at Vampire Freaks say the site “breeds love,” some members have praised Gill in his attacks by damning the police and posting, “I agree with him, every word he’s ever said. RIP Kimveer. You did in a good deed. [sic]” Other, more educated, bloggers quickly responded to these sorts of posts stating, “FREAK go kill yourself in your house… go play your Halo game… and shoot yourself.”

Of course, everyone has their opinions of Goths, Emo kids, or Indie Rock cats, but most never try to step into their very depressed shoes. That is where Slantmouth is different. In order to understand just what causes someone to do something as horrible as gun down people for reasons other than patriotism, your very own Colonel will take you on a journey never to be forgotten, by registering a profile on I hope I come out alive.

Hopefully, MY journey is without homosexual overtones.

On the home page, I am greeted with dire black and white. Purple is the only color I see here, as even the images are largely wash. My soul is plunging into a dark sadness already. To get an idea of what I’m in for, I observe some of the Usernames such as: indemo-freak, Diabolo, suicide_vampire, HadMoreFunInHell. For a site that breeds love, I don’t see many mentions of it. Wait, a most loved section! Alas, all of the faces are grey and sad- much like my mood is becoming.

I decide to go through with it, and register a name. I won’t try to fit in; I’ll just register The Colonel. They want me to tell them my basic information, but I find the fact that they expect me to choose a gender suddenly impeding on the infinite nature of the human soul. I suppose I’ll choose male. Where are these feelings of loneliness coming from?

Apparently I can’t register The Colonel, because it has a space. My ability to read directions has failed me again, crushing my hope in the space that used to lie between “The” and “Colonel”. I feel like I’ve entered a nightmarish dreamland where up is down, and ghoulish zombie mimes attack my joy factory. I am now TheColonel.

The site asks me for my profile information, however the mental trip down Zombie Mime Boulevard has exhausted me with sadness and grief. I want to reenergize in the abyss of eternal slumber, but they also want to know what I like. I can’t win. Now, I must prepare to be assimilated.

I feel a sort of placid sadness fall over my heart. And, for the first time ever, I’ll have to post photos of myself online, because what would a good profile be without a photo? Too bad I don’t own any mascara.

Your magic marker is running.

Step one:
Cover up your face. I’m undercover on this one, if they had any idea who I actually was, they may spot me in public and try to get me to join in a séance or something. I get really depressed just thinking about it.

Step two:
Use a flash in the picture. Nothing says I’m depressed like a face as white as the walls.

Step three:
Take it yourself. The only friends I’m supposed to have are online. Everyone who lives around me “doesn’t get me.”

I am almost immediately greeted with comments. Although the imagery is dark from Majeh, gangstachick seems nice, even though I don’t agree with being a gangsta.

I reply to her message, but I never get a response. Her initial messages made me feel good, but now her lack of response makes me sad. She says she rated me as a ten, I’ll give her a five, as my despair makes it impossible to rate anything a ten. I give myself a one, for reject.

Still, gangstachick is helpful, as her page makes me consider what I should do to mine. It’s awfully plain right now.

I need a background image. Something that bears the flaming passion that fills the living corpse that is my body. This will do.

Also, my text shall be rendered almost unreadable, because although I want to talk about my feelings, or lack of them, I don’t want people to get close to me, or my shattered soul. My mission is accomplished.

My profile is complete, and is undeniably ugly. My quest to get inside the realm of the Vampire Freak is complete, and I don’t feel very well right now. My eyes burn with the tears of regret, and I’ve got a tummy ache from the vast amounts of vigorous weeping that I’ve been doing.

It's always sad to see a domestic abuse victim.

My ordeal has been, to say the least, harrowing. The fact remains that all of these folks aren’t like Mr. Gill. Sure, you could try to lump them all together, saying that every single one of them wants to go on a shooting spree, but that wouldn’t be fair. Frankly, I don’t agree with trying to express your individuality by associating yourself with a meaningless subculture, but there are different strokes for different folks.

I can’t come out of this without saying that although they are freaks, and potentially vampires, everyone I ran into on that site was amazingly nice. Sure, their grammar wasn’t always the greatest, but they were quite warm and inviting (one girl miraculously finds me to be cute, despite the fact that you can’t see my face.)

Perhaps this place did serve as a way for a dark, demented mind to spew his hatred, and some may agree with him, but that is not the overwhelming feeling that you get from the site when you scratch that dark and gloomy veneer. The truth is, though The Colonel will never be a real Vampire Freak, they will now and always hold a special, dark place in my heart.

~The Colonel