THE VAULT

Night of the Crack Head
March 5, 2008 by The Colonel

Holy crack on toast!

Imagine. Night falls across the land, and a menace takes to the street. They scurry in the darkness, hunting, searching, seeking… questing. They seek not flesh, not brains not souls, no; they’re after your electronics. Why? Because thanks to a decision by the U.S. Sentencing Commission, thousands of crack convicts could be released from federal prisons, thus flooding the streets with something more terrifying than even zombies. That’s right… we’re talking about crack heads.

On Monday, the first four federal inmates of 1,600 now eligible to ask for reduced sentences were released. As though the idea of a thousand crack-addicted souls wandering the smarmy streets
again wasn’t horrifying enough, this number could grow to 20,000, depending on what these monstrous judges determine just.

That is why, as always, Slantmouth is here to serve the public with advice about keeping your homes safe from the impending, crack-fueled horror. Steel yourselves, it may not be pretty.

1.) When night falls, shield your doors and windows.
Crack heads are drawn to lights and sounds. Their senses are often sharpened by their heightened state, and their lust for cheap, resalable goods will cause them to be drawn to areas demonstrating some form of light or civilization. Keep these things hidden. Also, make sure that all entrances to your home are nailed (preferably screwed) shut. Once they run out for the night, the cracked out will be looking for a place to squat for the day ahead.

2.) Bolt down consumer goods.
Should you be away from your home and the unthinkable happens, having electronics, TVs, iPods and even remote controls bolted down are a good way to assure that they don’t wander off into the night. Motels have learned this lesson, so should you.

3.) Prepare decoys.
If one of the cracked out should breach the perimeter, a hollowed out X-box or a fake DVD player will go a long way towards insuring your safety. Remember, try not to panic. Any sudden movements will only startle and provoke a crack head.

4.) If all else fails, run like hell.
The effects of crack only last between 5 and 7 minutes. This euphoric, frenzied state is immediately followed by an intense depression, causing most crack heads to fall to the ground, sometimes weeping.

5.) Don’t panic.
A cool head always prevails in these sorts of situations. Don’t try to attack or confront a crack head. They’re easily distracted and clumsy. Just stay calm and react.

With these tools, we’re sure our readers will be able to handle the impending crisis. While the staff here at Slantmouth realize that we’re probably blowing things completely out of proportions, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Frankly, it’s the coke heads we need to be worried about. Those bastards are crazy.

~The Colonel