THE VAULT

Gitmo Legal
July 22, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

Finally! Free to stand in line.

Nearly seven years after the start of the War on Terror, the first Guantanamo war crimes trial is underway. The first defendant is Salim Ahmed Hamdan, Osama bin Laden’s former driver. Television executives, constantly looking for ideas of questionable quality, are using the trial as inspiration for a new fall show, “Crime and Punishment: Cuban Nights”. It’s a hot new courtroom drama that takes things out of the courtroom and into the bedroom! It’s based on a true story, including the part where they ride on dinosaurs and fight Hitler clones. Slantmouth has an exclusive look at the first episode’s script.

CUBA. We open on a typical COURTROOM.

Sassy Attractive Female Prosecutor (SAFP): He’s clearly a terrorist. Hamdan’s been hanging out with terrorists in Guantanamo Bay for the last six years. If I hung out in a cage full of Orangutans for six years, I’d be eating bananas and defecating where ever I felt like by now. It’s simple mathematics. He’s a terrorist. Let’s lock him up forever and not take any chances. Case closed.

Judge: Does the defense have an opening statement or can we just get straight to the sentencing?

Handsome Male Defense Lawyer (HMDL): Wait, your Honor!

SAFP: (Whispers to Sassy Attractive Ethnic Female Prosecutor) I can’t wait to see how Handsome Male Defense Lawyer’s going to play this.

Sassy Attractive Ethnic Female Prosecutor (SAEFP): (Whispers to SAFP) He can play it however he wants, as long as I get to watch.

The sassy and attractive female prosecution team sleazily smile amongst themselves.

HMDL: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Mr. Hamdan is just a driver. A simple man earning a living. Yes, he may have driven Osama bin Laden to marathon terrorism planning sessions or terrorist team building summer retreats, but that doesn’t mean that Mr. Hamdan contributed to any actual planning or even knew the purpose of the meetings. Just look at the man. He’d be classified as retarded in at least thirty-five states and Puerto Rico.

Everyone in the courtroom looks at Hamdan and kindly nod their heads in agreement.

SAFP: (Whispers to SAEFP) Handsome Male Defense Lawyer is using the old retarded-in-Puerto-Rico defense. He’s good. Very good.

SAEFP: (Whispers to SAFP) Oh girl, he’s more than good.

HDML: Sure, he provided a service to a super terrorist mastermind for $200 per month, but shouldn’t we be focusing on people a little higher up the ladder? Why not start by rounding up Osama bin Laden’s gardener, or the makeup artists that works on all of his videos?

Thank you.

Judge: Alright. Let’s recess for lunch. We’ll reconvene at one o’clock. Handsome Male Defense Lawyer, come see me in my office for a moment.

CUT TO JUDGE’S OFFICE

HMDL: You wanted to see me, your Honor?

Judge: Have a seat, Handsome Male Defense Lawyer.

HMDL sits in a comfortable leather chair in front of the Judge’s desk.

Judge: Look, you’re a good lawyer and strangely handsome. I like you, so I’ll give you a little advice: stop trying. You work for the United States Government, it’s time to start acting like it.

HMDL: I don’t understand.

Judge: I know it’s in your nature to fight this case as hard as possible, but you can’t win.

HMDL: Your Honor, I don’t see things that way. We have laws and procedures and, even if those laws and procedures just recently got made up, it’s what this great nation stands for.

Judge: This great nation? Cuba?

HDML: No, sir. The United States of America!

HMDL storms out of the room.

LATER THAT EVENING, inside of a bar frequented by lawyers called LEGAL EMOTION, SAFP and SAEFP sit at the bar. SAFP hangs up her cell phone with tears in her eyes, while SAEFP takes a sip of her drink.

SAFP: Oh, Sassy Attractive Ethnic Female Prosecutor, my boyfriend back in Wyoming just broke up with me. He said he’s in love with someone else. I think it’s our Hispanic maid. That bitch. It’s probably because she’s so ethnic.

SAEFP: As an person of ethnic heritage I want to apologize, sorry. You must be so emotionally vulnerable right now.

SAFP: You’re right. I feel like I’m ready to make some poor decisions that I’ll regret later.

Suddenly, HMDL walks into the bar looking dejected. He sits next to SAFP and SAEFP.

HMDL: Hey, Sassy Attractive Female Prosecutor and Sassy Attractive Ethnic Female Prosecutor. It’s been a tough day.

SAFP: Tell me about it.

HMDL: The Judge said I should just stop actually trying to defend my client. It’s really depressing, to be honest. I mean, it’s supposed to be my job.

SAEFP: When she said “tell me about it” she was just agreeing with you. It’s an expression. No one wanted to actually hear about what happened in court. That’s where all the boring stuff that no one cares about happens.

HMDL: You’re right. I should know better. I guess my depression is sort of clouding my judgment.

SAFP: I’m feeling kind of depressed, too. You want to go back to my apartment and console each other?

HMDL: I feel so conflicted. On one hand a work related conflict of interest, on the other hand an easy opportunity to take advantage of a woman to make myself feel better. What should I do?

SAEFP: Threesome?

Now, that is some groundbreaking television. We have no idea which powerful Hollywood executive green lit this intelligent and intense new program, but someone should send a trailer full of young desperate potential starlets straight to their office. They’ll thank him/her/it in ways that we would never hope to express, mostly because we have some standards. While the executives are busy with that, Salim Ahmed Hamdan will probably be busy [insert hilarious prison rape joke].

~Julius Serpentine