Fugedda baddit
April 10, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

Gangsters Love Us

In a twist straight out of Hollywood, two New York City police detectives were convicted of murder for being mob assassins. The attention that has been brought to the case has lead many to try and cash in on the story. As many as four books have already been commissioned. Slantmouth is currently vying for the movie rights, in order to produce a “Vaguely based on true events” made for TV movie called “Mob Mentality”. We can already smell the Emmy.

Stephen “Jake” Caracappa, 64, and Louis “The Fatman” Eppolito, 57, the two officers convicted in the case, were involved in at least eight murders between 1986 and 1990. They were convicted of killing two people themselves. In both cases the officers stopped the victims under the guise of routine traffic checks and shot them in the head. Louis “Destroyer of Cheeseburgers” Eppolito and Caracappa would usually get rid of a body using typical methods found in the Official Mafia Body Removal Guide, such as burying it under a concrete floor. Though occasionally, if time permitted, Eppolito would ingest the body and wash it down with a tall glass of Metamucil. It was a luxury afforded to him by his life of crime, though his home’s plumbing suffered greatly.

We So Happy!

The two men were connected with Anthony Casso, the No. 2 man in the Luchese crime family. It was a dirty job. He enlisted the services of the two detectives, paying them a retainer to tip him off to any criminal investigations. He called them his “crystal ball”. How much rubbing involved in this arrangement is unknown at this time, though unconfirmed reports state that Casso rubbed Louis “Happy Buddha” Eppolito’s belly for good luck before making any major moves.

To be around more individuals like himself after retirement Louis “Hollywood” Eppolito maintained a healthy snake collection and tried his hands at a film career, in both acting and writing. He appeared briefly in the movie Goodfellas where he played a character named “Fat Andy”. Also appearing in the film was Edward Hayes, Eppolito’s lawyer. A model for professionalism, Hayes flew to Los Angeles in the middle of the trial to push forward his acting career. Apparently he plays a very convincing lawyer in New York courtrooms.

Not wanting to be typecast as a large, unhealthy man, Louis “Fat” Eppolito went on to mostly portray a wide variety of policemen and detectives. His gripping performances elevated him to the status of having his head-shot hung in a Chinese restaurant. Tom Cruise was upset to find out he was not honored at Chinese restaurants and blamed the absence on religious intolerance.

We So Sad!

After retirement, Stephen Caracappa worked on a deal to sell a George Foreman punching-bag machine, which, if the deal had gone through, would have topped one of his biggest accomplishments as a New York City police officer, where he helped establish the City’s mafia murder investigation unit. This might explain why he cries himself to sleep every night.
Louis “The Wordsmith” Eppolito wrote an autobiography in 1992 called “Mafia Cop: the Story of an Honest Cop Whose Family is the Mob” about his life as a good cop whose father was a member of the Gambino crime family. It looks like using autobiography as a way to write your terrible Hollywood script is not a new concept.

Eppolito turned out to be a real trailblazer and renaissance man. Besides his many writing projects and his work as a thespian, he was far ahead of his time as a cop. As historian Lewis Molotov told us, “Eppolito and Caracappa were one of the only cops in the country at that time who were abusing their power and authority to terrify people who were not black. Beating up and killing white people at that time was really revolutionary. Even now it blows my mind thinking about it. It doesn’t even sound real. It’s like some sort of movie.“

Slantmouth has to agree. It does sound like a movie, a really great movie that stars Joe Pesci as Stephen Caracappa and John Goodman as Louis Eppolito:

Stephen Caracappa is a street-smart hustler with an unclean love for George Foreman. Louis Eppolito is the poetic son of a mobster with a penchant for cheese steaks. Together they’re two of New York City’s toughest detectives. And when their not solving crimes they’re committing them… for the mafia. They’ve killed their way to millions and their friendship has become something more. But now their ties will be truly tested when Eppolito is diagnosed with… breast cancer. Everything will change.

“Mob Mentality: Bullets and Breast Cancer”.

Coming soon to Lifetime. A Slantmouth production.

~Julius Serpentine