Drug Wars: A New Hope
July 4, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

The DEA: Fearlessly striding forth to ruin someone's good time.

The World Health Organization (WHO) has released a report showing that the United States leads the world in cocaine and marijuana abuse based on the percentage of the population that have used these drugs in their lifetime. This data can lead to only one shocking conclusion: America is losing the War on Drugs. In fact, Drugs is now taking a victory lap, pouring champagne all over itself, and inappropriately rubbing the champagne into its ample chest. It is sickening and Slantmouth refuses to let it continue. So, as a service to America and any foreign peoples who would like to wage a perpetually brutal war on an untenable enemy, we have enumerated a plan of attack to beat Drugs into a bloody pulp and use its battered corpse as a husband cushion.

1. Empower Foot Soldiers
A war must be won on the ground. One of the neglected members of this particular war has been the true foot soldier of the conflict, the crack head. Yes, the crack head can pinpoint the location of drugs for miles around. Using this innate skill they are able to keep drugs out of the hands of school children and put them somewhere much safer: inside their own bodies. This is practically the safest place on Earth, since no one will ever explore the body of a crack head. It is practically the Fort Knox of drugs.

It is important that when night falls and these valiant warriors scurry out from their bunkers they are supported in their efforts. A lone crack head can only do so much, but with the help of the mighty United States government, imagine what a biologically enhanced crack head could accomplish. They will definitely not be curing cancer or reading to orphans, both of which should be left to less delicate hands than those of a foot soldier, but they could rid the streets of more drugs at a quicker rate then ever before. An army of Super Crack Heads would have this enemy licked and snorted up the nose in no time.

2. Tougher Punishment
Many hippies have complained that the punishment for drug related offenses is entirely too stringent. This is, of course, wrong. If people do not fear the law of the land and the very thought of smoking marijuana does not cause a wet stain to form in the pants, then the law is failing and must be rectified. Good citizens that care about the future of America, children and cute puppies should ask themselves, how can we make the law more Draconian? If you are not asking yourself that question there is a good chance you are part of the problem and likely a dirty hippie, as well.

If you do not believe you are a hippie, here are a few simple tests to find out for sure. Males, check to see if your hair has grown wildly out of control and smells like a public restroom. Females, check to see if your legs are covered in a thick layer of fur. If any of these checks yield positive results you are definitely a hippie. Or a werewolf. Just go ahead and kill yourself now and save tax payers the money required for the state to legally end your support of the enemy. Do it for a better America.

3. Target Teenagers
The teenage crowd is the most susceptible to experimentation with drugs. Their rebellious spirits lead them to do dangerous things, including sampling the plethora of illicit substances available. To curb this behavior, parents must break their children’s spirit, snapping it right in half, like it was the neck of a Nazi soldier. Parents should primarily focus on breaking the rebellious spirit but if their child’s entire spirit is broken consider it collateral damage. This is a war after all, and sometimes innocents must be sacrificed for the greater good. When the children get older they will thank their parents for saving them from the evils of drug use, at least after they have completed years of therapy and are finally able to get off the prescription medication. (Note: Prescription medications are on our side of the war. What kind of war would this be if the good guys did not have access to the kind of painkillers that would put an elephant into cardiac arrest?)

Some teenagers will not go down easily, their rebellious spirit bucking like a bronco on PCP. Usually, children like this are extremely interested in impressing the opposite sex. Drugs provide one possible avenue to accomplish that. In these cases, more exacting measures may be required. Parents, have you considered chemical castration to lower your child’s interest in sex? All war requires sacrifice and your children’s ability to provide you with grandchildren maybe be just the sacrifice needed to turn the tide in this battle. Locking your children in the basement until you feel they are old enough to be released into the wild may also work.

If we can start implementing these tactics, Slantmouth is confident that the War on Drugs will be a landslide victory. The casualties will be many but it is a price that we all must be willing to pay, so that our streets are clear from this growing menace. While it is true that this war has been going on for several decades with almost no success, the calvary has arrived. Slantmouth will save America, even if we have to strangle every non-state sponsored junkie with our bare hands. We already are wearing our killing gloves. Things are going to get messy. We will see you on the front lines, as long as the Super Crack Head army doesn’t snort it first.

~Julius Serpentine