Death Row Blues
December 18, 2006 by The Colonel

Ok... we're almost ready to botch another one.

Death. It is a notion most of us fear. But in California and Florida this week, a moratorium on executions is allowing the inmates on death row sleep just a little bit easier. As one inmate, Frankie “The Deuce” Ramirez, put it, “It’s great. My only concerns now are beatings, shankings, institutionalization, crapping in front of a thousand people, and terrible food. Oh, right, and sodomy. Awesome.”

U.S. District Judge Jeremy Fogel ruled that California’s “implementation of lethal injection is broken.” The judge found that the three-drug cocktail used by San Quentin State Prison is so painful it should be considered cruel and unusual punishment. How the concept of killing someone via fruity cocktail is not already deemed, at very least, unusual remains a mystery.

Similarly Gov. Jeb Bush suspended executions after Florida inmate Angel Diaz’s execution was botched. The ever-inquisitive Governor asked, “How’d we screw this one up? I mean killing people isn’t rocket science. Ask my brother.” As it turns out, the needle that was meant to deliver fatal drugs to Diaz’s bloodstream was injected not into his vein, but through it. This delivered the mix to the soft tissue, likely making a quick and painless death quite the opposite. This particular “quick and painless” death took 34 minutes (more than double the normal fifteen) and a full two doses of deadly chemicals.

The medical examiners findings contradicted prison officials’ claims that Diaz needed a second dose due to liver disease, which caused him to metabolize the lethal drugs more slowly. These claims were dubious to begin with, as the word “metabolize” was misspelled several times in the prison officials’ reports.

Death by electricity? Gotta be painless.

Now states across the nation are encountering a very difficult question: “How are we going to kill all of these inmates?” Once again, creative thinking comes to the rescue, and the staff here at Slantmouth has several suggestions.

1.) Have them kill each other.
There is something that many (if not all) people on death row have in common: they kill people. So, why not kill two birds with one stone here, and let the inmates simply kill each other. They seem fairly eager to do it anyways.

First, dip the inmates in Amethocaine anesthetic cream, thus eliminating the cruel part of the procedure by preventing any pain involved in tearing each other to bits.

Next, arm them with medieval weapons such as crossbows, axes, morning stars and maces. Basically, arm them with the artillery from Castlevania. Hell, throw in some Holy Water for the religious zealots.

Last, toss them in a giant cage, and let nature take its course. No fuss, no muss, and although the janitorial squads may not like this solution all too much, it’s a simple, effective and fast way to eliminate vast numbers of the criminal population. As an added bonus, this solution will open thousands of cells for the never-ending flood of minor drug offenders!

2.) Stage an elaborate game show.
Reality television is all the rage these days, and as we know, Pay-per-view is a viable way to make money on gimmicky, vile things. So, they have an inmate, who is up for execution, run a gauntlet of deadly obstacles.

Among these hazards will be more murderers, and whoever wins gets a full pardon! Ok, so this idea is pretty much identical to the first one, only this time they’d be monetizing the deaths of criminals! Now all they need is a title, something catchy, like “The Sprinting Guy.”

3.) Make them kill themselves.
Let’s face it. Jail is a pretty depressing place to begin with, and using this solution all it would require is the licensing the complete works of Coldplay. Although the upfront cost may be a bit much, this is a solution that will last virtually forever.

People may ask, what if the inmates like Coldplay? Of course, this is impossible, because cold-blooded killers don’t listen to Coldplay. They listen to Bach. The one drawback is that this particular punishment may be deemed both cruel and unusual.

Now, we come to an interesting turn here at Slantmouth. We need your help, and so do thousands of doomed inmates across the nation. That is why, today, we ask you to submit your ideas for new forms of execution for our nation’s maximum-security prisons. Although we don’t advocate violence or killing here at Slantmouth, we know that our government does, so we may as well make some attempt to make that process a little friendlier.

Submit your deadly idea to The Idea Log today! We’ll post a fancy list of ideas at the end of the week. If this little experiment goes well enough, we may even make it a regular feature. Remember, Slantmouth and the nation is counting on you.

~The Colonel