Death by Granny
August 21, 2006 by The Colonel

Aged, like a fine, leathery wine.

Today, Slantmouth presents a story that seems too incredible to be true. Two women, in their 70s have been charged with killing homeless men in hit-and-run car crashes to collect some $2.3 million in life insurance funds. These deadly grandmas befriended the hobos and paid for them to stay in apartments in order to obtain their signatures.

In what may be the most diabolical scam since the moon landing, Olga Rutterschmidt, 73, and Helen Golay, 75, proceeded to take out three dozen life insurance policies, because when it comes to insurance, you can never have enough. To make this case even stranger, the elderly woman also appear to have drugged the homeless men with pills or alcohol before having them run over.

Authorities speculate that the reason the men were drugged was to prevent them from simply stepping out of the way as the car slowly approached. Deputy District Attorney Shellie Samuels said, “They drive pretty slow. They’re old. These men were lucky to have been drugged, if they were awake, it would be a slow, painful death.”

To get the root of this story, Slantmouth travels back to when Olga and Helen used their feminine wiles to seduce and eventually kill both Paul Vados, 73, and Kenneth McDavid, 51. It started as most encounters with a hobo do: an odd glance, a pitiable expression, and a waving of an adorably tattered sign. However, the one who was looking to gain from this transaction wasn’t the bum, but the pair of sweet old ladies he was attempting to panhandle.

It was every homeless man’s dream. The ladies took Paul in, sponge-bathed him as they burned aromatherapy candles, fed him home-cooked meatloaf and kissed him on the forehead before he went to bed. He didn’t know why they were being so nice to him, but he enjoyed their company and actually found them to be quite attractive, in a Rue McClanahan sort of way.

Olga and Helen did everything for him! They cooked, they cleaned, they bought him groceries, they brought him clean clothes, even took him out to swanky bingo halls and Denny’s. All they asked for in return was his company, and his signature on various forms. Signing strange forms that he wasn’t allowed to read seemed odd to Paul, but he was in no position to argue, he was living the life!

Living as a hobo for years, Paul had grown accustomed to a regular diet of booze and percocet. Oddly, the ladies had no trouble obliging his lifestyle, and when all was said and done, they actually seemed to encourage his lust for the sauce. Soon, the trio was out engaging in wild nights of drinking, drugs and bone-dry ménage à trois.

Late one night, after one such encounter, they decided to go out for dinner. After dining on veal, wine and a handful of pills, the three decided to go for a walk. Olga and Helen told Paul to walk up ahead. The following video is a painstaking reenactment of what happened next.

The story was exactly the same for Mr. McDavid.

Clearly, these women are guilty of murder. However, the women truly made these two transients the happiest hobos in the world before crushing them with a station wagon of doom.

Both Golay and Rutterschmidt are eligible for the death penalty, although it is widely speculated that death may come knocking before the state ever has a chance. Let this story serve as a warning to both the homeless and the homed alike: beware nice people who want to give you things for no apparent reason; they most likely want you dead.

~The Colonel