The hunt for Bigfoot. An eternal mystery which rivals that of most other great mysteries. The Bermuda Triangle, the Lock Ness Monster, Aliens. All of these mysteries. Unsolved. Unanswered. Staring at mankind, mocking us from on high, laughing. Just laughing. God damned mysteries. But now, that hunt is over.
Thursday, Al Gore gave yet another speech about the planet or something. Look, I wasn’t really paying attention, but it’s probably the same old rigmarole. “Blah, blah, icecaps,” and “Yadda, yadda, carbon.” Yeah, Al, we know. Stuff’s all screwed up and you want us to fix it. It used to be that you’d tell everyone it was their personal responsibility, and when you did, some of us listened. We bought carbon offset points and looked like douches when we drove our hybrids, but what’s this? OH, it’s not in the hands of ordinary citizens anymore, eh? It’s the corporations and politicians who need to make the tough decisions, right?
Recently, at the G8 Summit in Japan, our dear president, Mr. George W. Bush did something so unbelievable; we almost can’t believe it’s true. Just when you may have thought that one man’s absolute audacity and general contempt for those around him had reached levels that could never be topped by any mere mortal, that’s when he does it. It happened with a punch of the air and a broad grin. Mr. Bush, walking out of a private meeting with several world leaders, exclaimed, “Goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter!” Yeah, we know what you’re thinking. How freaking awesome.
While there may be plenty of amazing things happening on Earth, something even more amazing occurred on our sister planet, Mars. Last week, with a spunky “Are you ready to celebrate? Well, get ready: We have ICE!!!!! Yes, ICE, *WATER ICE* on Mars! w00t!!! Best day ever!!” the Phoenix Mars Lander declared the first confirmed instance of ice on Mars. Needless to say, this raises many questions. Does this mean there is life on Mars? Can David Bowie’s age-old question finally be answered? If there is, what kind? Might it be in the form of women? Will they be super-hot and ready to please an eager astronaut named Colonel Moses Blackwell? We can only hope.
Few stories are horrific enough that even the staff at Slantmouth is left with little to say. Unfortunately, after Austrian Josef Friztl imprisoned and raped his own daughter in a soundproof dungeon built in his basement for over twenty-four years, fathering seven of his own grandchildren, well, the permanent taste of vomit in our mouths won’t allow much clear thought. So, instead of the usual commentary and in-depth coverage you have come to expect, the festivities are going to be turned over to Investigator Magstanik, one of the Austrian police assigned to examine the scene of the crime: the handcrafted, underground prison bunker. We present to you his extensive notes from the scene.
As many may already know, Slantmouth is proudly based in the Nation’s Capitol, Washington, DC. So one can only imagine how our unholy hearts leapt for joy when we heard that the Pope was coming to town. Finally, a chance at redemption, a chance at salvation, a chance to kick it with his holiness, Pope Benedict the XVI. While there haven’t been nearly as many Pope Benedicts as there have been Super Bowls, sixteen is still an impressive number. Clearly, these guys are doing something right.
Protesters in London and Paris have disrupted the joyous procession of the Olympic Torch as it makes its way to Beijing. Why would anyone protest the Olympics, a globally unifying celebration of nations beating one another into submission in various athletic events? It has everything to do with China’s human rights record, which is terrible, especially when compared to their record for number of steroid-enhanced female gymnasts with mustaches. Watch for the one with the handle-bar mustache this Summer. She is great on the parallel bars. Just do not use the shower after she shaves her legs; it’s gruesome.
The Pentagon recently announced that they had “accidentally” shipped Taiwan parts from a Minuteman ballistic missile. These parts, consisting of four electrical fuses, are used to trigger nuclear weapons (although they do not contain nuclear material). Taiwan had ordered helicopter batteries, but received the fuses instead, which if you weren’t already aware, makes no goddamned sense whatsoever. To put it in layman’s terms, Taiwan ordered the salmon, and we delivered blowfish. In other words, we’re morons.
After nearly fifty years, Fidel Castro has resigned as President of Cuba. As his reign of leading a country into abject poverty ends, a new life begins. It will be a life of nonstop toga parties, with a pinch of dementia. When a man waits until his 80’s to retire, as Castro has, there is a lot of living to make up for. Watch out ladies; Fidel is here and there is no feeling like the touch of his luxurious beard against your skin.
A new study this week has prompted a prominent figure in the scientific community to once again emerge and raise the question of global warming with the world. The study, conducted by your own Finnius Fapperton, has shown that the weather is, indeed, totally effed up. The method performed in the study consisted largely of walking outside.
Seriously, does it take a team of rocket meteorologists to figure this out? The past week has had more highs and lows than a heroine addict. It’s like the climate jumped onto a gargantuan trampoline and is taking us all for a ride. Problem is, we’ve got a bunch of punk-assed kids telling us that nothing is wrong!
Screw you, kids! Here we are, trying to ruin your future with all of the SUVs money can buy, and you go and support that? You won’t even remember what polar bears are, you ingrates! You know, what? Forget the environment. We all hope you burn.
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