THE VAULT

Sunday, August 24, 2008
The Hunt Continues
by The Colonel

Dammit! Can't a genetic freak take a crap in peace?

The hunt for Bigfoot. An eternal mystery which rivals that of most other great mysteries. The Bermuda Triangle, the Lock Ness Monster, Aliens. All of these mysteries. Unsolved. Unanswered. Staring at mankind, mocking us from on high, laughing. Just laughing. God damned mysteries. But now, that hunt is over.

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Thursday, July 24, 2008
The WNBA: Fundamentally Boring
by Damien Atlas Sports Monkey

I love women, unless they play professional basketball. I’ve never paid much attention to women’s professional basketball. I guess I’d rather watch children cross a busy highway. At least with the children, there’s hope someone will eventually stop them. Who’s going to stop the WNBA? Probably no one, because while people actually care about children, no one cares about the WNBA.

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Tuesday, April 8, 2008

So... the Beijing Olympics are going to be some freaky bondage party?

Protesters in London and Paris have disrupted the joyous procession of the Olympic Torch as it makes its way to Beijing. Why would anyone protest the Olympics, a globally unifying celebration of nations beating one another into submission in various athletic events? It has everything to do with China’s human rights record, which is terrible, especially when compared to their record for number of steroid-enhanced female gymnasts with mustaches. Watch for the one with the handle-bar mustache this Summer. She is great on the parallel bars. Just do not use the shower after she shaves her legs; it’s gruesome.

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Saturday, January 27, 2007
Sports Monkey: Commercial Suicide
by Damien Atlas Sports Monkey

I hate commercials.Next week the Indianapolis Colts will face off against the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI, and I couldn’t be more disappointed.

It’s not the match up that’s disappointing but what’s going to transpire during the television timeouts. You know what I’m talking about: Super Bowl commercials. The same mind-numbing, soul-destroying garbage flashing on our screens but with new packaging. It’s the same numb feeling you get watching Dane Cook gesticulating his way into a caricature of himself.

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Wednesday, November 1, 2006
Sports Monkey: Sorry St. Louis
by Damien Atlas Sports Monkey

So, I have to apologize to the Saint Louis Cardinals’ fans. They actually won.

The method I used to predict the Series wasn’t exactly scientific. A theoretical fistfight between the mascots of two teams can be used to determine a lot of things; the winner of the World Series is not one of them. I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll restrict my mascot Ultimate Fight fantasies to determining Divisional Series.

I hate to come out of my first column for Slantmouth a loser. I feel I have to redeem myself. The first column ended like Rocky I. A large black guy didn’t pummel me, but I still feel like I’m peeling myself off the mat.

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Monday, October 30, 2006
George Allen Poe
by Julius Serpentine

This guy... hehehe. I hate this guy.

With majorities in the Congress and Senate on the line, many of the pivotal races for the November 7th elections are, like road kill under a summer sun, heating up. The closely contested senate battle in Virginia between incumbent Republican George Allen and Democrat James Webb has taken a strange turn with the publication of a press release, titled “Webb’s Weird World”.

The press release, put out by George Allen’s campaign, contained sexually explicit passages from several of Webb’s novels. The Drudge Report, a prime source of fedora fashion and political scoops, printed the excerpts after Allen’s aides failed to get them run anywhere else. This, of course, is not indicative of the quality of this story.

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Saturday, October 21, 2006
Sports Monkey: World Series 2006
by Damien Atlas Sports Monkey

Tonight’s the first game of the 2006 World Series, where the Saint Louis Cardinals will face off against the Detroit Tigers.

Before I start the preview for this series let me just say a few things; I know a lot of people don’t really care for baseball. The main complaint is that it’s boring. The people who say that are crazy and possibly brain damaged. Don’t listen to them. What could possibly be wrong with a sport that allows you to sit on your ass and drink for three straight hours? Let me tell you: nothing! You should immediately start punching anyone who says different in the face. Facial bruising will help them remember. It’s one of the laws of the jungle.

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Monday, February 20, 2006
Olympic Idol
by The Colonel

Nothing is Sadder than Olympic Mascots

This year’s Olympic games have one thing in common with the many before them: a mascot. The illustrious tradition of choosing a Mascot, to represent the event, stretches all the way back to 1968 in Grenoble, where Schuss, a stylized skier, was the first Official Olympic mascot. Tragically, the pressure of being an Olympic mascot leads many of these poor, benevolent souls down a path to destruction.

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