THE VAULT

Sunday, August 24, 2008
The Hunt Continues
by The Colonel

Dammit! Can't a genetic freak take a crap in peace?

The hunt for Bigfoot. An eternal mystery which rivals that of most other great mysteries. The Bermuda Triangle, the Lock Ness Monster, Aliens. All of these mysteries. Unsolved. Unanswered. Staring at mankind, mocking us from on high, laughing. Just laughing. God damned mysteries. But now, that hunt is over.

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Saturday, August 2, 2008
Take the Blue Pill, Retard
by Julius Serpentine

No, the blue one! Christ... no, the OTHER blue!

In a startling perversion of every science fiction novel, movie, and comic that foretold of pills that would contain an entire steak dinner a la mode, researchers at the Salk Institute in California have found two chemicals that can mimic the positive effects of exercise. Previously, many dreamed of the day that science fiction meal pills would become science reality. However, the people responsible for actually doing science went in a completely different direction by asking themselves, “What does a person who would daydream about eating an entire steak dinner in a matter of seconds really need?” Surprisingly, the answer had nothing to do with literally beating them into shape, but instead finding a way for them to exercise without the part where they actually exercise.

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Friday, July 18, 2008
Bore me, Al Gore
by Finnius Fapperton Science Monkey

Thursday, Al Gore gave yet another speech about the planet or something. Look, I wasn’t really paying attention, but it’s probably the same old rigmarole. “Blah, blah, icecaps,” and “Yadda, yadda, carbon.” Yeah, Al, we know. Stuff’s all screwed up and you want us to fix it. It used to be that you’d tell everyone it was their personal responsibility, and when you did, some of us listened. We bought carbon offset points and looked like douches when we drove our hybrids, but what’s this? OH, it’s not in the hands of ordinary citizens anymore, eh? It’s the corporations and politicians who need to make the tough decisions, right?

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Monday, June 23, 2008

He can get a little frisky with that one arm.

While there may be plenty of amazing things happening on Earth, something even more amazing occurred on our sister planet, Mars. Last week, with a spunky “Are you ready to celebrate? Well, get ready: We have ICE!!!!! Yes, ICE, *WATER ICE* on Mars! w00t!!! Best day ever!!” the Phoenix Mars Lander declared the first confirmed instance of ice on Mars. Needless to say, this raises many questions. Does this mean there is life on Mars? Can David Bowie’s age-old question finally be answered? If there is, what kind? Might it be in the form of women? Will they be super-hot and ready to please an eager astronaut named Colonel Moses Blackwell? We can only hope.

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Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Recession Depressions
by The Colonel

They couldn't be happier if they were on Valium.

Times are tough. We probably don’t have to do a whole lot of explaining before you figure out how bad things are. Gas prices are soaring, the economy is in recession (or is it!?)… hell, even food is more expensive than it used to be. Slantmouth Headquarters cut off the air conditioning months ago, and we’re still suffering! Things are just too expensive. If it weren’t for the fact that we have interns to do most of the work, I wouldn’t even have the energy to write this article. Fortunately, I can just switch interns every paragraph, as the previous one passes out from heat exhaustion.

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Earth: At Least it’s a Dry Heat
by Finnius Fapperton Science Monkey

A new study this week has prompted a prominent figure in the scientific community to once again emerge and raise the question of global warming with the world. The study, conducted by your own Finnius Fapperton, has shown that the weather is, indeed, totally effed up. The method performed in the study consisted largely of walking outside.

Seriously, does it take a team of rocket meteorologists to figure this out? The past week has had more highs and lows than a heroine addict. It’s like the climate jumped onto a gargantuan trampoline and is taking us all for a ride. Problem is, we’ve got a bunch of punk-assed kids telling us that nothing is wrong!

Screw you, kids! Here we are, trying to ruin your future with all of the SUVs money can buy, and you go and support that? You won’t even remember what polar bears are, you ingrates! You know, what? Forget the environment. We all hope you burn.

Friday, February 15, 2008
It’s Raining Death
by The Colonel

You've just been Sputnik'd.

Recently, it came to light that a US spy satellite, which was launched in December of 2006, had almost immediately lost power shortly after reaching orbit and is currently spinning out of control, hurtling around our planet as we speak. As stunned as this faithful Slantmouth servant is to say this: That’s not the bad news. The bad news is that it’s going to come crashing down to Earth, and while it will likely be in a spectacular fashion, the chances are equally likely that it could kill someone.

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Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Champagne, like bitterness, flows freely on New Years' Eve

The year 2007, was, regrettably, a bit of a disappointment for the staff here at Slantmouth. While we did, indeed, manage to survive, and really, when you’re face to face with a year like 2007, that’s really all that can be expected.

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Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Toxic the Kid
by The Colonel

Your destruction is guaranteed, Communist scum!

In our modern world, our bodies are both deprived of and exposed to a host of things that our ancestors had learned to cope with over centuries. Bacteria, germs, and other invisible nasty things are obliterated by an assortment of anti-bacterial soaps and hand sanitizers. Though, frankly, the latter is a Grade-A time saver, so I haven’t washed my hands in roughly 6 ½ months. Nothing is as pure as Purell.

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Friday, October 12, 2007
The Pains of Acclaim
by The Colonel

As most of you are most likely already aware, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace prize this week. The staff here at Slantmouth thought that was pretty awesome, and we hope you think that’s pretty awesome, too. He’s done a lot for things like the environment, and the world, and well, beards. We sent our very own reporter in the field, Roger (he’s like Madonna, Cher, or even Prince. He only needs one name), to record the event in Stockholm, Sweden; live from none other than the man of the hour, the tower of power, the guy who makes global warmers glower, Al Gore.

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