THE VAULT

Saturday, August 9, 2008

LEAVE AMATEUR SATIRE WRITERS ALOOOHOHOOONE!

The amateur satirist behind a less-than-popular news satire website, was tragically found dead in his apartment from an apparent self-inflicted groin wound. The victim’s body was discovered naked, surrounded by balled up tissues and empty lotion bottles, lightly lit by the seminal online satirical news source, the Onion, open on the victim’s computer.

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Saturday, April 19, 2008
Apostolic (visit) Now!
by The Colonel

Have you seen my papal horse?

As many may already know, Slantmouth is proudly based in the Nation’s Capitol, Washington, DC. So one can only imagine how our unholy hearts leapt for joy when we heard that the Pope was coming to town. Finally, a chance at redemption, a chance at salvation, a chance to kick it with his holiness, Pope Benedict the XVI. While there haven’t been nearly as many Pope Benedicts as there have been Super Bowls, sixteen is still an impressive number. Clearly, these guys are doing something right.

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Monday, October 15, 2007
Enter the Dragon
by Julius Serpentine

Your destruction is guaranteed, Communist scum!

The Dalai Lama will be meeting with President Bush, a day before heading to Congress to receive their highest civilian award, the Congressional Gold Medal. Perhaps Mr. Lama should consider wearing a nice suit, instead of his usual sheet-and-meet ensemble. Most events in Congress go over better with the absence of visible armpit hair. It already smells enough like old men in the Capital Building without the added aroma of Dalai Lama B.O. and its high concentration of “Holy.”

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Monday, January 15, 2007
Anything but the War
by The Colonel

Where they go, we follow.

Let’s face it: things have been pretty heavy lately. The President, muttering through an evening address to send more to Iraq, Israel threatening to nuke Iran’s nukes, and the big Dick Cheney dismissing the notion of a “war committee.” Yeah. It’s been heavy. Scary. Tyrannical, even. I have shouted, I have cursed, I have cried, I even wet myself a little. But this week, here at Slantmouth, we’re doing a good, old-fashioned news round up about everything except the war, government and politics. Hell, the rest of the news media seems to be trying to distract you from it, why shouldn’t we?

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Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Why have you foresaken me and my large bags of money?

Evangelical broadcaster Pat Robertson has predicted that after September of 2007 the United States should expect a major terrorist attack resulting in “mass killing”. Though Robertson has no links to any intelligence agency, he seemed rather sure of his information, most likely because his source was God.

Using our own highly placed sources, though regrettably not quite as high, Slantmouth was able to have a brief sit down with Robertson to discuss his prediction.

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Monday, January 1, 2007

Huzzah! Celebrate good times! Come on!

Wow. Today, Slantmouth is officially one year old. Our baby learned to walk, talk, and probably poop this year. We want to thank all of our dear, loyal readers, and in celebration of this momentous occasion, we bring you the First Annual Slanty Awards for Excellence in News Making! The committee was determined based on height, weight, social status, and smell. Taking a grueling twenty-three minutes to decide, our committee finally emerged victorious, having chosen the most important people of the year. These awards go to 2006’s top news figures, in no particular order of importance.

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Monday, December 25, 2006
The Santa Cause
by Julius Serpentine

It's XXX-mas up in here, my fine bitches!

Today is Christmas, yet Slantmouth is still hard at work, unlike the United States Postal Service. They may work through rain, sleet and snow, but the birth of some man more than two thousand years ago leaves them weak in the knees, and not in a good way. Yet Slantmouth, like an unstoppable juggernaut, moves forward undeterred.

In the spirit of the holiday season we decided to bring you a very special interview with Father Christmas himself. No, not Jesus. We are talking about Santa Claus. The big man up North has had a difficult year and Slantmouth exclusively brings you Santa in his own words.

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Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Thanksgiving 2006- A Retrospective
by Sol Holliday Holiday Monkey

If you’re like me, Thanksgiving makes you think of a lot of things (turkeys, Pilgrims, Indians, small pox), and while it was a week ago, I felt I needed distance on it to give an accurate account of what it means.

Thanksgiving is traditionally celebrated as a day to give thanks and for the Pilgrims, these thanks went to Squanto. He was their translator, their tour guide, and their hunting instructor. Without Squanto, the Pilgrims likely would have died quickly in the New World, starved into extinction and frozen to their overly-stylish pantaloons.

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Talk to me, Jesus!
by The Colonel

The Toys for Tots program has rejected the offer of 4,000 talking Jesus dolls. Bill Grien, vice president of the charitable foundation, stated, “We can’t take a chance on sending a talking Jesus doll to a Jewish family or a Muslim family.” Adding, “Kids want a gift for the holiday season that is fun, and let’s face it, there’s nothing fun about crucifixion.”

Jesus dolls recite passages from the Bible such as, “Love your neighbor as yourself” and “Let he who is with funk busteth the first groove.”

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Monday, July 24, 2006
Way of the Bastard
by The Colonel

It's Jesus for Toddlers!

Hello, and greetings, Neighbors! Your friendly Colonel has some good news he’d like to share with you- and that good news is the Gospel. That’s right, friends; thanks to Kirk Cameron and The Way of the Master, I’ve suddenly realized that Jesus was inside me all along! I was going to start sharing the good news immediately, but I decided to find out whether or not I was a “GOOD” person first. Let’s take the test– together!

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