Recently, at the G8 Summit in Japan, our dear president, Mr. George W. Bush did something so unbelievable; we almost can’t believe it’s true. Just when you may have thought that one man’s absolute audacity and general contempt for those around him had reached levels that could never be topped by any mere mortal, that’s when he does it. It happened with a punch of the air and a broad grin. Mr. Bush, walking out of a private meeting with several world leaders, exclaimed, “Goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter!” Yeah, we know what you’re thinking. How freaking awesome.
The Congressman voted most likely to bake cookies inside a tree or be cast in a Lord of the Rings movie, Dennis Kucinich, has recently introduced a resolution in Congress to impeach President Bush. The grounds for the resolution primarily revolve around the Iraq war and lying, lots of lying. Frankly, most Americans have trouble even caring at this point. It is election time and, no matter which way you look at it, the current President’s days are coming to an end. The situation is at a point where the best method of getting Bush out of office and the best method of becoming morbidly obese are actually the same: do nothing.
Last week, history was made as Illinois Senator Barack Obama was declared the first black nominee for President of the United States of America. Slantmouth wishes to congratulate Mr. Obama in his monumental victory. As he celebrated, we managed to get a few statements, and it was clear he was amped up and ready to get his change on.
Word spread quickly at Slantmouth Headquarters, located in the nation’s capital, ground-zero of the American political machine: Ted Kennedy had the big C. It turned out to be a brain tumor and the prognosis was not good. This made us reconsider our in-depth and well-researched exposé on why Ted Kennedy’s head is so big. After feeling bad about the very idea of doing the story for a bit, we decided to do something constructive. As a show of support for the Senator, we set the children/mental defectives in the employment of Slantmouth Industries to come up with some heartfelt cards, expressing the kind of feeling only an innocent child or a forty-year-old with a bib could express.
The unrelenting force of nature that is the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign presses forward. The shear momentum of the lumbering beast is too much to stop now. Despite the chorus of voices calling for her to concede, she marches on, like a lemming with fat ankles at the edge of a cliff. The important lesson that Hillary Clinton wants the public to take away from all of this is, when you really want something, never give up. For example, typically, if a candidate’s campaign was tens of millions of dollars in debt, it would be time to reconsider the whole operation, but if you are Hillary Clinton you inexplicably see an opportunity.
Everyone makes sacrifices during times of war. Some lose their sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, mothers or fathers. Some lose their limbs, and others their very lives. And while these sacrifices are noble, some lose something even more precious: their desire to play golf.
Last week, the infamous DC Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, was found dead in Tarpon Springs, Florida at her mother’s home. The cause was thought to be suicide. Just two weeks ago, she was found guilty of running a prostitution ring, during which she had kept a “little black book” connecting many of DC’s most powerful to some high class ladies of the night. Despite the quality of the ladies, our own Julius Serpentine was not found on that list, as he has no need for them.
The New York Times has reported that over the last several years the Pentagon has been covertly inserting their invisible hand up the rears of several television military analysts and using them as their own personal meaty man-puppets. They were literally supplying Bush administration talking points to major journalistic outlets in the guise of thoughtful expert analysis. Yes, something certainly stinks about the situation, but that may just be former Secretary of Defense and master puppeteer Donald Rumsfeld’s fingers. Meaty man-puppet residue can be hard to remove.
It’s been busy. Bittergate, elitism, crazy questions about conspiracy; we don’t even know where to begin. Regardless, since last week’s travesty of a Democratic Debate, the candidates were just itching to get the issues back on the table and as always, Slantmouth was there. We bring you the third (and for the love of God, make it the final) round of Clinton vs. Obama.
The Pentagon recently announced that they had “accidentally” shipped Taiwan parts from a Minuteman ballistic missile. These parts, consisting of four electrical fuses, are used to trigger nuclear weapons (although they do not contain nuclear material). Taiwan had ordered helicopter batteries, but received the fuses instead, which if you weren’t already aware, makes no goddamned sense whatsoever. To put it in layman’s terms, Taiwan ordered the salmon, and we delivered blowfish. In other words, we’re morons.
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