The amateur satirist behind a less-than-popular news satire website, was tragically found dead in his apartment from an apparent self-inflicted groin wound. The victim’s body was discovered naked, surrounded by balled up tissues and empty lotion bottles, lightly lit by the seminal online satirical news source, the Onion, open on the victim’s computer.
In a startling perversion of every science fiction novel, movie, and comic that foretold of pills that would contain an entire steak dinner a la mode, researchers at the Salk Institute in California have found two chemicals that can mimic the positive effects of exercise. Previously, many dreamed of the day that science fiction meal pills would become science reality. However, the people responsible for actually doing science went in a completely different direction by asking themselves, “What does a person who would daydream about eating an entire steak dinner in a matter of seconds really need?” Surprisingly, the answer had nothing to do with literally beating them into shape, but instead finding a way for them to exercise without the part where they actually exercise.
Word spread quickly at Slantmouth Headquarters, located in the nation’s capital, ground-zero of the American political machine: Ted Kennedy had the big C. It turned out to be a brain tumor and the prognosis was not good. This made us reconsider our in-depth and well-researched exposé on why Ted Kennedy’s head is so big. After feeling bad about the very idea of doing the story for a bit, we decided to do something constructive. As a show of support for the Senator, we set the children/mental defectives in the employment of Slantmouth Industries to come up with some heartfelt cards, expressing the kind of feeling only an innocent child or a forty-year-old with a bib could express.
Here at Slantmouth, we pride ourselves at being on the cutting edge at all times. Vast amounts of energy are spent every day here as we tirelessly gleam the cube of technological advancement. From weapons systems to patent-pending breakthroughs in home and garden, Slantmouth isn’t just about providing quality news to the people who need it most, Slantmouth is about innovation.
Humanity has a long history of combining things together to create something greater than the sum of its parts. Just think, what sort of world would we be living in if humans had not thought to combine super-humans and spandex or cows and hamburger buns? On second thought, don’t think about it. It’s way too early in this article to be getting depressed and this isn’t even about Iraq or tortured prisoners or some other heavy topic. This is only about unsuspecting children getting sick, so lighten up and smile a little bit.
Love is a funny little thing. As long as time has told, people have done crazy things for love. Written songs, gotten tattoos, chopped off ears, even brutally murdered with a pick-ax, all in the name of love. Ah, love, such a thing of wonder. Now, for the first time I can certainly account for, someone has actually sued for it. Well, not so much for love, but for a lack of the hot, messy kind. You may know it as sex.
In our modern world, our bodies are both deprived of and exposed to a host of things that our ancestors had learned to cope with over centuries. Bacteria, germs, and other invisible nasty things are obliterated by an assortment of anti-bacterial soaps and hand sanitizers. Though, frankly, the latter is a Grade-A time saver, so I haven’t washed my hands in roughly 6 ½ months. Nothing is as pure as Purell.
A virus is quickly spreading across America and there is no vaccine. Researchers have found that Adenovirus-36 (Ad-36), a common cause of respiratory and eye infections, turns stem cells into fat cells, causing obesity in the Infected. As it makes its way into every man, woman and child in America, the landscape of the country will be shaken, perhaps enough to destroy the very foundation of our society. Ad-36 will bring about Armageddon and we will be too busy breathing hard from our walk to the refrigerator to stop it. Thankfully, Slantmouth is here to help.
Over the weekend, while President Bush prepared for a little inner reflection via colonoscopy, the Presidential powers were transferred to Vice President Dick Cheney. Yes, for a few short hours Cheney was the man in charge, and despite what some may say about the doctors having to remove Cheney’s Machiavellian, Jim Henson hand from the President before inserting the colonoscopy camera, it was only the second time he has held the powers of the President.
Some people get things like toasters and fine China for their weddings. They register months in advance everywhere from Bed, Bath and Beyond to Victoria’s Secret. But not Andrew Speaker, no, that’s not the kind of guy he is.
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