Nearly seven years after the start of the War on Terror, the first Guantanamo war crimes trial is underway. The first defendant is Salim Ahmed Hamdan, Osama bin Laden’s former driver. Television executives, constantly looking for ideas of questionable quality, are using the trial as inspiration for a new fall show, “Crime and Punishment: Cuban Nights”. It’s a hot new courtroom drama that takes things out of the courtroom and into the bedroom! It’s based on a true story, including the part where they ride on dinosaurs and fight Hitler clones. Slantmouth has an exclusive look at the first episode’s script.
The World Health Organization (WHO) has released a report showing that the United States leads the world in cocaine and marijuana abuse based on the percentage of the population that have used these drugs in their lifetime. This data can lead to only one shocking conclusion: America is losing the War on Drugs. In fact, Drugs is now taking a victory lap, pouring champagne all over itself, and inappropriately rubbing the champagne into its ample chest. It is sickening and Slantmouth refuses to let it continue. So, as a service to America and any foreign peoples who would like to wage a perpetually brutal war on an untenable enemy, we have enumerated a plan of attack to beat Drugs into a bloody pulp and use its battered corpse as a husband cushion.
Few stories are horrific enough that even the staff at Slantmouth is left with little to say. Unfortunately, after Austrian Josef Friztl imprisoned and raped his own daughter in a soundproof dungeon built in his basement for over twenty-four years, fathering seven of his own grandchildren, well, the permanent taste of vomit in our mouths won’t allow much clear thought. So, instead of the usual commentary and in-depth coverage you have come to expect, the festivities are going to be turned over to Investigator Magstanik, one of the Austrian police assigned to examine the scene of the crime: the handcrafted, underground prison bunker. We present to you his extensive notes from the scene.
Last week, the infamous DC Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, was found dead in Tarpon Springs, Florida at her mother’s home. The cause was thought to be suicide. Just two weeks ago, she was found guilty of running a prostitution ring, during which she had kept a “little black book” connecting many of DC’s most powerful to some high class ladies of the night. Despite the quality of the ladies, our own Julius Serpentine was not found on that list, as he has no need for them.
The air is ripe with the stink of another political sex scandal. The Democratic Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, was revealed to have had 7 to 8 rendezvouses with high-end prostitutes. Despite the shock displayed by many, it should come as little surprise. In recent years, the annual political sex scandal has become a cherished national tradition, joining baseball, apple pie, and driving Native Americans into alcoholism. Frankly, the nation should be proud that a politician finally figured out how to dial a phone and hire a trained professional, instead of using the Congressional Page system as their personal farm team for sordid games of pitch-and-catch. At the very least, the citizen’s of New York can take solace in knowing that Spitzer’s tax payer paid salary went into good and highly lubricated hands.
Imagine. Night falls across the land, and a menace takes to the street. They scurry in the darkness, hunting, searching, seeking… questing. They seek not flesh, not brains not souls, no; they’re after your electronics. Why? Because thanks to a decision by the U.S. Sentencing Commission, thousands of crack convicts could be released from federal prisons, thus flooding the streets with something more terrifying than even zombies. That’s right… we’re talking about crack heads.
New Jersey is moving to become the first state in the modern era to ban the death penalty. All that awaits is the signature of Governor Jon Corzine to pass the bill into law. What will New Jersey now do with all of their death row inmates in lieu of this groundbreaking change of course? Speculation suggest it will involve a lot of blood-stained underwear and tear-stained pillows.
Love is a funny little thing. As long as time has told, people have done crazy things for love. Written songs, gotten tattoos, chopped off ears, even brutally murdered with a pick-ax, all in the name of love. Ah, love, such a thing of wonder. Now, for the first time I can certainly account for, someone has actually sued for it. Well, not so much for love, but for a lack of the hot, messy kind. You may know it as sex.
Last week, Jammie Thomas, was fined $220,000 for alleged music piracy and illegal song sharing, the result of a lawsuit against her filed by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). Not to be the ones to pick a weak target, the RIAA made sure to choose someone who was clearly a malicious, evil pirate and it’s quite obvious they succeeded. The last time Slantmouth went after pirates, we wound up sailing a “borrowed” yacht to somewhere in the middle of international waters and inadvertently stumbling upon the world’s largest “Crack, Hooker, and Clown” party. Hey, in international waters, anything goes!
Things can be a little tough for a cowboy these days. Shucks, it seems like people have a problem with their way of life. Back in my day, I was a cowboy, but I roamed the open plains of the African Savanna. So I suppose I was more of an elephantboy, or rhinoboy. Rhinoboy definitely sounds cooler. At any rate, it was shoot first and ask questions later. In my particular case, it was throw giant, irreplaceable spear from atop a lion and ask questions later, but the point is I understand what it’s like. There’s a lot of pressure when you’re the sheriff in town, and not every one’s going to understand that.
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