THE VAULT

Monday, July 28, 2008
Totally Not Cuil!
by The Colonel

In the future it will be known as 'taking a Cuil'.

Today, the interwebs witnessed the launch of “Cuil” (retardedly pronounced “Cool”), which many news agencies have dubbed, the “Google killer”. Why people seem to be so obsessed with which new technology is going to maim, eviscerate, and/or murderlize the current leader remains to be seen, but the masses are thirsty for tech blood. So far, the staff here at Slantmouth has counted the “Apple killer,” the “Microsoft killer,” the “iPod killer,” the “Blackberry killer,” and finally, the “iPhone killer”. One would figure at least one of these things would involve chopping up hobos, but we remain truly disappointed.

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Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Recession Depressions
by The Colonel

They couldn't be happier if they were on Valium.

Times are tough. We probably don’t have to do a whole lot of explaining before you figure out how bad things are. Gas prices are soaring, the economy is in recession (or is it!?)… hell, even food is more expensive than it used to be. Slantmouth Headquarters cut off the air conditioning months ago, and we’re still suffering! Things are just too expensive. If it weren’t for the fact that we have interns to do most of the work, I wouldn’t even have the energy to write this article. Fortunately, I can just switch interns every paragraph, as the previous one passes out from heat exhaustion.

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Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Aqua Dot Hunger Force
by Julius Serpentine

Run! Run to your deaths! HA HA HA!

Humanity has a long history of combining things together to create something greater than the sum of its parts. Just think, what sort of world would we be living in if humans had not thought to combine super-humans and spandex or cows and hamburger buns? On second thought, don’t think about it. It’s way too early in this article to be getting depressed and this isn’t even about Iraq or tortured prisoners or some other heavy topic. This is only about unsuspecting children getting sick, so lighten up and smile a little bit.

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Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Suing for a Living
by The Colonel

They start with stealing music. Then they move on to children.

Last week, Jammie Thomas, was fined $220,000 for alleged music piracy and illegal song sharing, the result of a lawsuit against her filed by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). Not to be the ones to pick a weak target, the RIAA made sure to choose someone who was clearly a malicious, evil pirate and it’s quite obvious they succeeded. The last time Slantmouth went after pirates, we wound up sailing a “borrowed” yacht to somewhere in the middle of international waters and inadvertently stumbling upon the world’s largest “Crack, Hooker, and Clown” party. Hey, in international waters, anything goes!

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Monday, September 10, 2007

Is something wrong? Probably.

Has it really been six years already? It’s amazing how fast time gets away from you, seemingly slipping through the fingers like sand, or a carrot covered in sexual lubricant. Don’t ask. Even though the years have undoubtedly blurred together since that sunny morning six years ago, most remember the day vividly. A day burned into ones vision, never to be blinked away.

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Monday, June 18, 2007

Let your smarmy, French vengeance spill into the streets!

Terrorism is a bigger global threat than ever. The annals of history have seen generation after generation of terrorist scum come and go, but we may now be facing evils that we are wholly unprepared for. If you thought Al Qaeda was bad, the humble paladins of liberty here at Slantmouth may need to prepare you for something even worse.

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Monday, May 14, 2007
Fearonomics
by Julius Serpentine

Hey, dumb ass! Stop screwing around in your mom's backyard and go to school!

Terrorists. Terrorists. Terrorists!

Since the inception of Slantmouth as a news-reporting institution, terrorists have headlined the news. It is not by choice that we wag our gargantuan digital finger, aided by the typing of our sensual analogue fingers, at them. Like the ninja and the pirate and the robot, terrorists have entered the pantheon of overused archetypes readily awaiting our attention, and probably, in the not so distant future, our advertising dollar. Terrorist organizations will want a cut of the money being raked in by cable news. Every time Massengill advertises on a cable news channel, terrorists will want a piece of the action. A good match by any standard.

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Sunday, March 18, 2007
Dr. Do Little
by Julius Serpentine

Toil for the homeless you worthless dregs! TOIL!

Slantmouth’s annual “Feed the Homeless Day” did not go quite as planned. True, they almost never do, but this year’s experience was terrible enough that Slantmouth Industries may have to retire one of our most cherished philanthropic events. It certainly ranks somewhere in the top ten, sandwiched between “Sponge Bathe the Elderly Day” and our “Communist Clubbing Clambake.

Slantmouth always seeks to promote the welfare of others. Company events are a way for our legion of unpaid interns to take a break from scrubbing toilets with toothbrushes and become involved in the community, something we encourage everyone to do. But something terrible happened this past weekend and it involved pet food.

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Monday, March 12, 2007

Daylight savings: Good to the last drop.

Yesterday, for the first time ever, daylight-savings time went into effect in March rather than its usual date in April. Not only will the nation be setting the clocks forward a full 3 weeks earlier, it will also be falling back 3 weeks later, thus giving us 6 weeks of glorious, golden extra sunshine. This move, one which promises to make people unreasonably early for work today, is intended to cut carbon emissions in the United States by a significant margin, since we’re entirely too lazy to turn off lights or not blast the air conditioning.

Like most things that happen in America, there was a bit of a controversy over the shift, as it affects a wide swath of the economy. For certain industries, the change will have definite benefits. For instance, candy makers expect to see brisker sales at Halloween, although analysts here at Slantmouth say that such expectations are, in fact, retarded. Other advocates include backyard barbecue enthusiasts, law enforcement officials, softball teams, environmentalists, and of course, reverse vampires.

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Sunday, February 25, 2007
PB & Salmonella
by The Colonel

I like my peanut butter with just a dash of disease.

There could be a terror lurking quietly in your home as you read this very article. No one knows how it got there, or why, but rest assured, it may or may not be there. Where is this silent killer? Who or what is it, and why don’t I just come out and tell you? Because, dear reader, as you should already know, that’s not the way the media works and neither does Slantmouth.

Imagine: when your child comes home from a hard day of school, and no one is there to protect him, not even you. But somewhere in your house, a killer awaits who could strike at any moment. Is it an Islamic Extremist? One of those sickos from Dateline? A bear?

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