THE VAULT

We Heart Origami
March 13, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

Sexy! Sexy! Sexy! The Richest Man in the World

It’s official. Microsoft cannot stop showering the world with its love. Children are rejoicing in the streets because, after weeks of hype, Microsoft has finally revealed Project Origami.

The hype-machine at mighty Microsoft had been hard at work drumming up interest in their newest product. Primarily using a viral marketing campaign, word spread through out the Internet. Tech sites were all abuzz, waiting in anticipation for Bill Gates and Company’s latest announcement. Tensions ran so high that women were giving birth in the streets.

The viral marketing campaign took shape in the form of a website, which contained so little information it could be summed up in a single sentence: Project Origami is a mobile computer.

But instead of actually using one sentence, that point was stretched over the course of 3 flash presentations. This embodies the motto of the Microsoft Marketing Department: “Don’t say something in six words if you can say the same thing in a doctoral thesis.”

Each of the presentations began with a blue ball floating around begging users to “touch me”. Upon clicking on this ball an explosion occurs, with unknown materials shooting out from the blue ball in every direction. Dr. Sigmund Freud was not available for comment.

The first presentation starts off promisingly enough, asking a series of questions: Do you know me? Do you know what I can do? What are you wearing?

Come Hither

These questions were there to wet our appetite for the impending flood of information that the next presentation would surely bring us, but instead we were asked more questions.

“Know where to find me?” “Do you want to have a good time?”

This second presentation left the Slantmouth Marketing and Presentation Analysis Department a little lost. Department Head Jeremiah Halingbrush said, “What kind of product is Microsoft trying to sell? I want to have a good time just like everyone else, but I have no idea if this new device can actually give it to me. There are already plenty of electronic devices that can give me hours of enjoyment. This presentation just left me confused and a little lonely.

The third presentation gave us actual information. It turned out that it’s just a mobile computer and one more way for people to carry around their pornography. It’s set to compete with the iPod video and standard laptops as the primary mobile transport for adult material. Also, instead of a keyboard it has a touch screen. The possibilities are endless.

We asked resident Slantmouth expert on all things Japanese, George Takei, why Microsoft may have chosen the codename Origami for their latest project. Takei said, “Origami is the Japanese craft of folding paper into really neat-looking, compact pieces of art. This new gadget is not very neat looking, unless you are a big fan of rectangles, and it’s not exactly compact, unless you are wearing JNCO jeans. I personally would have called it Project Digital Brick.”

Brickagami

After the project was finally revealed to the public, it shed the name Origami for the much catchier name “Ultra-Mobile PC.” It rolls right off of the tongue. When Microsoft representatives were asked what “Ultra-Mobile” actually meant, it seems that no one really knew. One representative, who would only be quoted under the condition of anonymity, said, “I mean, I guess it’s mobile, but more so. Like, really, really mobile. You could take it anywhere, which, I guess, isn’t really that different from regular mobile. I think that’s pretty much the point of calling something mobile. I’m not really sure what ultra-mobile means. I guess it’s just a bunch of garbage put together by our marketing department. They’re not very good. I mean, seriously- did you see those flash teaser things. Yeah, ‘touch me’. I bet.”

At the end of the day Slantmouth was left with more questions than answers. We knew that if we actually wanted to have our questions answered, we’d have to go straight to the top. Using highly placed sources within Microsoft, we were able to talk directly to Bill Gates. Slantmouth asked him- why was Microsoft getting into this new market? Bill replied, “I make a lot of money. The latest Forbes list puts me at 50 billion dollars. I’m the wealthiest man in the world. I’m rich, biatch! I really don’t care what I spend money on anymore. The money that I’m putting behind this product is just the money I’ve been saving from refusing to hire a decent barber all these years anyway.”

At the end of the session with Gates, many of the big questions were answered but the most pressing question remains: What are you wearing?

~Julius Serpentine