THE VAULT

Suing for a Living
October 9, 2007 by The Colonel

They start with stealing music. Then they move on to children.

Last week, Jammie Thomas, was fined $220,000 for alleged music piracy and illegal song sharing, the result of a lawsuit against her filed by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). Not to be the ones to pick a weak target, the RIAA made sure to choose someone who was clearly a malicious, evil pirate and it’s quite obvious they succeeded. The last time Slantmouth went after pirates, we wound up sailing a “borrowed” yacht to somewhere in the middle of international waters and inadvertently stumbling upon the world’s largest “Crack, Hooker, and Clown” party. Hey, in international waters, anything goes!

Sure, accusing a 30-year old single mom who makes $36,000 a year certainly doesn’t seem like they’re barking up the right tree, but sometimes evil comes in packages we don’t expect. Ask anyone who’s gotten on the wrong side of a penguin. They’re shockingly diabolical.

That said, the RIAA isn’t finished with nabbing these evildoers, and our crack team of interns (the ones that survived last week, naturally) obtained some secret documentation from the legal department over at the association. These highly coveted papers reveal a collection of pure, gruesome evil that the RIAA will soon seek hefty sums of money from.

First on the list? All college students in the United States. If you are currently in college, consider your ass sued. Why? Because you know you steal music, you cheap, smarmy pirates. Plus, you probably share music with your friends, making you double guilty because that’s distribution. They know you probably can’t afford it, but they don’t care, so you’ll have two options: get your parents to pay for it like they do for everything else (you slackers), or work off your debt at the RIAA coal mine beneath their headquarters located at 1025 F ST N.W., 10th Floor, Washington, D.C. 20004. We hear it’s a lovely facility.

Next? This homeless guy who lives in between the Metro station and the RIAA headquarters. He’s been playing crappy covers of Eric Clapton and Wham! on his (probably stolen) guitar for far too long. Plus, he smells bad and asks RIAA employees for money all the time, thus making them annoyed and likely dirty.

Finally, the RIAA is going after perhaps the worst offender of all: this basket of puppies. Sure, they’re cute and all, but the sound of adorable barking was copyrighted by Sony Masterworks in 1983. Everyone knows that. Plus, when they grow up, their barking will infringe upon several copyrights held by Geffen since the company’s popular Dog Barks and Christmas Dreams holiday album released in 1994.

While Slantmouth doesn’t necessarily think suing these people and animals is all that cool, we do know that piracy definitely isn’t cool. Unless it involved Johnny Depp doing an ace impression of Keith Richards, it’s just not kosher. Slantmouth wishes the RIAA the best in all of its future endeavors, and if they ever want us to turn in some of these punk interns, consider it done… for a small fee, of course.

~The Colonel