THE VAULT

Revenge of the Nerds
August 7, 2006 by The Colonel

Nerds TRIUMPHANT!

In a bold move, Microsoft challenged hackers to “take your best shot” at the oft-delayed Windows Vista. According to Andrew Cushman, Microsoft’s director of security outreach, “You need to touch it, feel it,” and as he slowly caressed his chest stated, “We’re here to show our work.” Slantmouth’s Sector of Computer Hackery was on site at the Black Hat computer-security conference to probe into Vista.

As the convention began, Mr. Cushman presented the new operating system to the attendees, taunting, “If you losers can break Vista, I’ll make sure every one of you get a bath tonight. Seriously, you guys smell horrible. It’s no wonder, collectively; you’ve never so much as smelled a woman. Let the hacking begin!”

After the presentation, Slantmouth got to go into the crowd, where we ran into Jon Callas, the chief technology officer at PGP Corp., which makes software security products said, “They’re going directly to the bear in the bear’s lair. They have some flair for fighting a bear that may care to tear out their hair. Try not to stare at the bear. Don’t you dare.” After this retarded burst of poetry, Mr. Callas bit a small child, and ran out of the convention, never to be seen again.

Hackers Away!

With that embarrassing incident out of the way, the hacking commenced. The tension was palpable on the convention floor. The air was thick with nerd sweat. A musty fog hung above the convention floor, like so many basements turned dungeons for D & D games. Keyboards clattered fiercely as all of the hackers tenaciously tried to chip away at the glossy veneer of Vista.

They did it. After a startlingly long six minutes, the hackers were in, and Vista was cooked. The room exploded in triumphant applause. Champagne popped, as did many a festering pimple. The nerds celebrated, but which supreme had cracked Vista? The dork that spayed the Microsoft dragon with his Level 41 Mace?

Simon Rutton, of Schenectady, NY, was the lucky guy. As confetti rained from the ceiling he said, “I knew I could do it. I’d like to thank my girlfriend, Beatrice, I love you, baby! And, uh, Jesus. I’d like to thank Bill Gates, for building such a tremendous piece of crap. But most of all, I’d like to thank Al Gore, for inventing the Internet.”

Oh, how they gloat.

Responding to the defeat, Andrew Cushman sadly said, “We gave it our all, and we still failed. That’s why we did this. They gave us a full body cavity search, and we clearly hadn’t plumbed all of our pipes.” As he slowly wept he said, “Why can’t we ever catch a break?”

So, once again defeated, Microsoft crawled back into its lair, only to return to fight another day. Slantmouth wishes them well in their quest and hopes that some day, they’ll rise above their reputation, and produce software that doesn’t totally suck.

~The Colonel