THE VAULT

Dr. Do Little
March 18, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

Toil for the homeless you worthless dregs! TOIL!

Slantmouth’s annual “Feed the Homeless Day” did not go quite as planned. True, they almost never do, but this year’s experience was terrible enough that Slantmouth Industries may have to retire one of our most cherished philanthropic events. It certainly ranks somewhere in the top ten, sandwiched between “Sponge Bathe the Elderly Day” and our “Communist Clubbing Clambake.

Slantmouth always seeks to promote the welfare of others. Company events are a way for our legion of unpaid interns to take a break from scrubbing toilets with toothbrushes and become involved in the community, something we encourage everyone to do. But something terrible happened this past weekend and it involved pet food.

Canadian pet food giant, Menu Foods, has recalled all “cuts and gravy” style cat and dog food off stands after it cost the life of nearly 10 dogs and cats in North America. The food has also caused a number of pets to suffer from kidney failure, effectively quadrupling the size of the cat and dog kidney transplant list. The numbers on pets that have spontaneously combusted are still coming in.

While few have heard of Menu Foods, most well-known pet food brands actually use contract manufactures to produce their food, only later packaging the food with their logo. As a result, 48 brands of dog food and 40 brands of cat food are affected by the recall of Menu Foods “cuts and gravy” style food. Some animals that have eaten the food experienced appetite loss, fatigue and vomiting, which is not completely unexpected considering they were eating something in the style of “cuts”.

So, you may be asking, how does this all tie into “Feed the Homeless Day?”

A team of interns was sent to the grocery store to purchase food for our run to the local soup kitchen. They returned with pouches of “cuts and gravy” style Homeless Cuisine. It was a pleasant surprise because, even with Slantmouth’s massive News Net, we were not aware of this utterly too convenient product. We figured that the News Net would have alerted us considering the brilliant picture of Homeless Cuisine’s smiling dog mascot on the front of the packaging. The News Net is calibrated to alert Team Slantmouth of such things.

When our grateful homeless friends started eating the pouches, handed out by our interns, everything seemed well enough. Then something not completely unexpected happened. The homeless started not feeling well. Such is the peril of their bohemian lifestyle, we thought. Then the News Net informed us of the recall of “cuts and gravy” style pet food. The sudden illness of our home-impaired friends clicked into place.

We had one of our interns call Menu Foods to get to the bottom of this. We present you with the transcript.

Menu Foods Representative: Hi, I’m Ashley. How can I help you?

Slantmouth Intern: Yeah. Quick question. Is Homeless Cuisine part of the food recall?

Ashley: What?

Slantmouth Intern: Homeless Cuisine. You know, meals for the homeless on the go!

Ashley: If that product actually exists, I’m pretty sure we don’t make it.

Slantmouth Intern: There are other companies that make food in “cuts and gravy” style?

Ashley: Not to my knowledge. That’s a term copyrighted by Menu Foods and we only make pet food.

Slantmouth Intern: Hmmm…OK. Let’s say hypothetically, if a human ate some of your “cuts and gravy” dog food, would that be harmful?

Ashley: Did you feed someone dog food?

Slantmouth Intern: Hypothetically.

Ashley: I don’t know. I’m not a doctor.

Slantmouth Intern: OK. OK. Uh…say I hypothetically conducted an experiment where I fed a dude dog food and they got sick. What should I do?

Ashley: Why would you conduct that experiment?

Slantmouth Intern: Hypothetically. I have a science fair project due. A blue ribbon is up for grabs.

Ashley: Um…I guess you’d want to get that person to the hospital.

Slantmouth Intern: Wow. That makes so much sense. Thanks!

Ashley: You’re welcome. Hope your friend feels better.

Slantmouth Intern: What friend?

While everyone made a full recovery, we are still weary of holding another event like this next year. Slantmouth still wants to help the many people who are less fortunate, but we would rather not get them all sick. We even feel bad for the innocent animals that were affected by this Menu Foods fiasco. If any cat or dog needs a kidney transplant some of our interns are organ donors. Just say the word.

~Julius Serpentine