THE VAULT

Aqua Dot Hunger Force
November 13, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

Run! Run to your deaths! HA HA HA!

Humanity has a long history of combining things together to create something greater than the sum of its parts. Just think, what sort of world would we be living in if humans had not thought to combine super-humans and spandex or cows and hamburger buns? On second thought, don’t think about it. It’s way too early in this article to be getting depressed and this isn’t even about Iraq or tortured prisoners or some other heavy topic. This is only about unsuspecting children getting sick, so lighten up and smile a little bit.

You see, a Chinese toy manufacturer attempted to contribute to humanities long legacy of combining things by teaming children’s toys with date-rape drugs. Sufficed to say, this didn’t go over as well as pairing George Foreman and grills. Aqua Dots, the toy in question, are beads that can be arranged into unique patterns and stuck together by adding water, forming perfect pieces of artsy-craftsy junk. Unfortunately, the cheap glue that makes the magic happen, when ingested and metabolized, turns into the date-rape drug GHB. Artists have associated drugs with art since DaVinci took his first hit of Ye Olde Acid, but the tender age of these children has been a cause of alarm. This, of course, has triggered a massive recall of the toy in North America and across the world. By “world” we mean places with running water and white people.

Several cases of children swallowing Aqua Dots have been reported. While not all the children have fallen ill, some have been hospitalized. How did this toxic glue get into the toys? It seems the cost of the toxic glue was less than one-third of the glue that was originally supposed to be used. This is one of the biggest wins for greed over children, since coal miners used small children to gauge the presence of methane gas. Popularly marketed as Billy Body Bag, if the child fell ill or dead, then it was time to leave the mine.

The question many have asked, which will surely be answered in many “hilarious” YouTube skits, is: are Aqua Dots potent enough for adult use? If you are a sick and twisted sociopath or an average High School student you have come to the right place. From a purely academic standpoint, Slantmouth is also interested in this questions and, as has been shown in the past, we have an army of unwilling interns on hand that can be conscripted into doing all kinds of terrible things. A few are even old enough to legally be considered adults.

For all you junior scientists at home, we have provided a few easy-to-follow steps. That way you too can perform the experiment to find the effects of Aqua Dots on adults and learn the type of lesson that only a panicked call to 911 can teach you. For this experiment, you will need a supply of Aqua Dots, which you can likely now find at your local rave club, and a willing adult, likely a senior citizen at the end of their rope.

The Steps:
1. Have test subject ingest a single Aqua Dot.
2. Wait 10 seconds and record observations.
3. Repeat.

In our experiment, the subject (an intern whose name we forgot, but codenamed Aqua Death) seemed to be doing well after the first dot, but two minutes and twelve Aqua Dots later the intern had stopped moving. Our conclusion? Aqua Dots are indeed potent in adults. Touchdown, science!

With this revelation, it’s obvious that Aqua Dots need to be removed from stores. The question remains, what will happen to the recalled toys that have already been manufactured? More than likely, they will be handled the same way that most hazardous materials we don’t want are: dumped into the ocean or sold to third-world countries.

Slantmouth has another suggestion. Perhaps, the recalled toys can be shipped to other facilities where no one cares what happens to whomever is inside. With plenty of prisons and retirement homes around the country, there should be a welcoming home for every single Aqua Dot. Prisoners, with not much else to do, can make wonderful multi-colored shivs as they try to figure out where their life went wrong, before swallowing a pile of Aqua Dots to escape the pain. Retirees can craft black lumps of dots that look like nothing, but when asked, Grandma will happily explain that it is supposed to be cancer.

Alright, the article is over. It’s okay to get depressed now.

~Julius Serpentine