THE VAULT

Talk to me, Jesus!
November 14, 2006 by The Colonel

The Toys for Tots program has rejected the offer of 4,000 talking Jesus dolls. Bill Grien, vice president of the charitable foundation, stated, “We can’t take a chance on sending a talking Jesus doll to a Jewish family or a Muslim family.” Adding, “Kids want a gift for the holiday season that is fun, and let’s face it, there’s nothing fun about crucifixion.”

Jesus dolls recite passages from the Bible such as, “Love your neighbor as yourself” and “Let he who is with funk busteth the first groove.”

One2believe, the company producing the dolls also plans dolls for Moses, Mary, and Herpeliah, the Magical Healing Leper. They already have plans to expand the line, which they’re calling their False Idols Collection, to include a Golden bull and a semi-autonomous army of Jews, who will constantly utter complaints in Yiddish while casually strolling through a desert action set.

Although Toys for Tots still carries the Scientology at Home Audit Kit for KIDS, when questioned about it, a spokesman replied, “Our policy of not receiving religious toys only includes real religions. We have at least 2,000 talking Mormon Joseph Smith dolls.” Their most requested toy for this holiday season is Tickle Me Buddha.

Slantmouth wishes Toys for Tots and other, non-religious organizations very Happy Holidays.

~The Colonel