The hunt for Bigfoot. An eternal mystery which rivals that of most other great mysteries. The Bermuda Triangle, the Lock Ness Monster, Aliens. All of these mysteries. Unsolved. Unanswered. Staring at mankind, mocking us from on high, laughing. Just laughing. God damned mysteries. But now, that hunt is over.
The amateur satirist behind a less-than-popular news satire website, was tragically found dead in his apartment from an apparent self-inflicted groin wound. The victim’s body was discovered naked, surrounded by balled up tissues and empty lotion bottles, lightly lit by the seminal online satirical news source, the Onion, open on the victim’s computer.
Dood! You wouldn’t believe it if I told you. Ok, you would, because like most attention-seeking, publicist-controlled, pre-pubescent young starlets, Miley Cyrus has “sexy” new photos dressed in a bikini. And underpants! Awesome! Jail bait!
In a startling perversion of every science fiction novel, movie, and comic that foretold of pills that would contain an entire steak dinner a la mode, researchers at the Salk Institute in California have found two chemicals that can mimic the positive effects of exercise. Previously, many dreamed of the day that science fiction meal pills would become science reality. However, the people responsible for actually doing science went in a completely different direction by asking themselves, “What does a person who would daydream about eating an entire steak dinner in a matter of seconds really need?” Surprisingly, the answer had nothing to do with literally beating them into shape, but instead finding a way for them to exercise without the part where they actually exercise.
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