THE VAULT

Sunday, August 24, 2008
The Hunt Continues
by The Colonel

Dammit! Can't a genetic freak take a crap in peace?

The hunt for Bigfoot. An eternal mystery which rivals that of most other great mysteries. The Bermuda Triangle, the Lock Ness Monster, Aliens. All of these mysteries. Unsolved. Unanswered. Staring at mankind, mocking us from on high, laughing. Just laughing. God damned mysteries. But now, that hunt is over.

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Saturday, August 9, 2008

LEAVE AMATEUR SATIRE WRITERS ALOOOHOHOOONE!

The amateur satirist behind a less-than-popular news satire website, was tragically found dead in his apartment from an apparent self-inflicted groin wound. The victim’s body was discovered naked, surrounded by balled up tissues and empty lotion bottles, lightly lit by the seminal online satirical news source, the Onion, open on the victim’s computer.

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Monday, August 4, 2008

I'm pale and unattractive! Controversy!

Dood! You wouldn’t believe it if I told you. Ok, you would, because like most attention-seeking, publicist-controlled, pre-pubescent young starlets, Miley Cyrus has “sexy” new photos dressed in a bikini. And underpants! Awesome! Jail bait!

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Saturday, August 2, 2008
Take the Blue Pill, Retard
by Julius Serpentine

No, the blue one! Christ... no, the OTHER blue!

In a startling perversion of every science fiction novel, movie, and comic that foretold of pills that would contain an entire steak dinner a la mode, researchers at the Salk Institute in California have found two chemicals that can mimic the positive effects of exercise. Previously, many dreamed of the day that science fiction meal pills would become science reality. However, the people responsible for actually doing science went in a completely different direction by asking themselves, “What does a person who would daydream about eating an entire steak dinner in a matter of seconds really need?” Surprisingly, the answer had nothing to do with literally beating them into shape, but instead finding a way for them to exercise without the part where they actually exercise.

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