THE VAULT

Monday, July 28, 2008
Totally Not Cuil!
by The Colonel

In the future it will be known as 'taking a Cuil'.

Today, the interwebs witnessed the launch of “Cuil” (retardedly pronounced “Cool”), which many news agencies have dubbed, the “Google killer”. Why people seem to be so obsessed with which new technology is going to maim, eviscerate, and/or murderlize the current leader remains to be seen, but the masses are thirsty for tech blood. So far, the staff here at Slantmouth has counted the “Apple killer,” the “Microsoft killer,” the “iPod killer,” the “Blackberry killer,” and finally, the “iPhone killer”. One would figure at least one of these things would involve chopping up hobos, but we remain truly disappointed.

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Thursday, July 24, 2008
The WNBA: Fundamentally Boring
by Damien Atlas Sports Monkey

I love women, unless they play professional basketball. I’ve never paid much attention to women’s professional basketball. I guess I’d rather watch children cross a busy highway. At least with the children, there’s hope someone will eventually stop them. Who’s going to stop the WNBA? Probably no one, because while people actually care about children, no one cares about the WNBA.

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Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Gitmo Legal
by Julius Serpentine

Finally! Free to stand in line.

Nearly seven years after the start of the War on Terror, the first Guantanamo war crimes trial is underway. The first defendant is Salim Ahmed Hamdan, Osama bin Laden’s former driver. Television executives, constantly looking for ideas of questionable quality, are using the trial as inspiration for a new fall show, “Crime and Punishment: Cuban Nights”. It’s a hot new courtroom drama that takes things out of the courtroom and into the bedroom! It’s based on a true story, including the part where they ride on dinosaurs and fight Hitler clones. Slantmouth has an exclusive look at the first episode’s script.

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Friday, July 18, 2008
Bore me, Al Gore
by Finnius Fapperton Science Monkey

Thursday, Al Gore gave yet another speech about the planet or something. Look, I wasn’t really paying attention, but it’s probably the same old rigmarole. “Blah, blah, icecaps,” and “Yadda, yadda, carbon.” Yeah, Al, we know. Stuff’s all screwed up and you want us to fix it. It used to be that you’d tell everyone it was their personal responsibility, and when you did, some of us listened. We bought carbon offset points and looked like douches when we drove our hybrids, but what’s this? OH, it’s not in the hands of ordinary citizens anymore, eh? It’s the corporations and politicians who need to make the tough decisions, right?

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Saturday, July 12, 2008

A real knee slapper!

Recently, at the G8 Summit in Japan, our dear president, Mr. George W. Bush did something so unbelievable; we almost can’t believe it’s true. Just when you may have thought that one man’s absolute audacity and general contempt for those around him had reached levels that could never be topped by any mere mortal, that’s when he does it. It happened with a punch of the air and a broad grin. Mr. Bush, walking out of a private meeting with several world leaders, exclaimed, “Goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter!” Yeah, we know what you’re thinking. How freaking awesome.

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Friday, July 4, 2008
Drug Wars: A New Hope
by Julius Serpentine

The DEA: Fearlessly striding forth to ruin someone's good time.

The World Health Organization (WHO) has released a report showing that the United States leads the world in cocaine and marijuana abuse based on the percentage of the population that have used these drugs in their lifetime. This data can lead to only one shocking conclusion: America is losing the War on Drugs. In fact, Drugs is now taking a victory lap, pouring champagne all over itself, and inappropriately rubbing the champagne into its ample chest. It is sickening and Slantmouth refuses to let it continue. So, as a service to America and any foreign peoples who would like to wage a perpetually brutal war on an untenable enemy, we have enumerated a plan of attack to beat Drugs into a bloody pulp and use its battered corpse as a husband cushion.

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