THE VAULT

Monday, June 23, 2008

He can get a little frisky with that one arm.

While there may be plenty of amazing things happening on Earth, something even more amazing occurred on our sister planet, Mars. Last week, with a spunky “Are you ready to celebrate? Well, get ready: We have ICE!!!!! Yes, ICE, *WATER ICE* on Mars! w00t!!! Best day ever!!” the Phoenix Mars Lander declared the first confirmed instance of ice on Mars. Needless to say, this raises many questions. Does this mean there is life on Mars? Can David Bowie’s age-old question finally be answered? If there is, what kind? Might it be in the form of women? Will they be super-hot and ready to please an eager astronaut named Colonel Moses Blackwell? We can only hope.

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Friday, June 13, 2008

Kucinich, pictured here with his hot wife... I forgot what I was typing.

The Congressman voted most likely to bake cookies inside a tree or be cast in a Lord of the Rings movie, Dennis Kucinich, has recently introduced a resolution in Congress to impeach President Bush. The grounds for the resolution primarily revolve around the Iraq war and lying, lots of lying. Frankly, most Americans have trouble even caring at this point. It is election time and, no matter which way you look at it, the current President’s days are coming to an end. The situation is at a point where the best method of getting Bush out of office and the best method of becoming morbidly obese are actually the same: do nothing.

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Saturday, June 7, 2008

Last week, history was made as Illinois Senator Barack Obama was declared the first black nominee for President of the United States of America. Slantmouth wishes to congratulate Mr. Obama in his monumental victory. As he celebrated, we managed to get a few statements, and it was clear he was amped up and ready to get his change on.

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Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Recession Depressions
by The Colonel

They couldn't be happier if they were on Valium.

Times are tough. We probably don’t have to do a whole lot of explaining before you figure out how bad things are. Gas prices are soaring, the economy is in recession (or is it!?)… hell, even food is more expensive than it used to be. Slantmouth Headquarters cut off the air conditioning months ago, and we’re still suffering! Things are just too expensive. If it weren’t for the fact that we have interns to do most of the work, I wouldn’t even have the energy to write this article. Fortunately, I can just switch interns every paragraph, as the previous one passes out from heat exhaustion.

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