Word spread quickly at Slantmouth Headquarters, located in the nation’s capital, ground-zero of the American political machine: Ted Kennedy had the big C. It turned out to be a brain tumor and the prognosis was not good. This made us reconsider our in-depth and well-researched exposé on why Ted Kennedy’s head is so big. After feeling bad about the very idea of doing the story for a bit, we decided to do something constructive. As a show of support for the Senator, we set the children/mental defectives in the employment of Slantmouth Industries to come up with some heartfelt cards, expressing the kind of feeling only an innocent child or a forty-year-old with a bib could express.
The unrelenting force of nature that is the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign presses forward. The shear momentum of the lumbering beast is too much to stop now. Despite the chorus of voices calling for her to concede, she marches on, like a lemming with fat ankles at the edge of a cliff. The important lesson that Hillary Clinton wants the public to take away from all of this is, when you really want something, never give up. For example, typically, if a candidate’s campaign was tens of millions of dollars in debt, it would be time to reconsider the whole operation, but if you are Hillary Clinton you inexplicably see an opportunity.
Everyone makes sacrifices during times of war. Some lose their sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, mothers or fathers. Some lose their limbs, and others their very lives. And while these sacrifices are noble, some lose something even more precious: their desire to play golf.
Few stories are horrific enough that even the staff at Slantmouth is left with little to say. Unfortunately, after Austrian Josef Friztl imprisoned and raped his own daughter in a soundproof dungeon built in his basement for over twenty-four years, fathering seven of his own grandchildren, well, the permanent taste of vomit in our mouths won’t allow much clear thought. So, instead of the usual commentary and in-depth coverage you have come to expect, the festivities are going to be turned over to Investigator Magstanik, one of the Austrian police assigned to examine the scene of the crime: the handcrafted, underground prison bunker. We present to you his extensive notes from the scene.
Last week, the infamous DC Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, was found dead in Tarpon Springs, Florida at her mother’s home. The cause was thought to be suicide. Just two weeks ago, she was found guilty of running a prostitution ring, during which she had kept a “little black book” connecting many of DC’s most powerful to some high class ladies of the night. Despite the quality of the ladies, our own Julius Serpentine was not found on that list, as he has no need for them.
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