THE VAULT

The New York Times has reported that over the last several years the Pentagon has been covertly inserting their invisible hand up the rears of several television military analysts and using them as their own personal meaty man-puppets. They were literally supplying Bush administration talking points to major journalistic outlets in the guise of thoughtful expert analysis. Yes, something certainly stinks about the situation, but that may just be former Secretary of Defense and master puppeteer Donald Rumsfeld’s fingers. Meaty man-puppet residue can be hard to remove.

It’s been busy. Bittergate, elitism, crazy questions about conspiracy; we don’t even know where to begin. Regardless, since last week’s travesty of a Democratic Debate, the candidates were just itching to get the issues back on the table and as always, Slantmouth was there. We bring you the third (and for the love of God, make it the final) round of Clinton vs. Obama.

This one’s going to get ugly.

As many may already know, Slantmouth is proudly based in the Nation’s Capitol, Washington, DC. So one can only imagine how our unholy hearts leapt for joy when we heard that the Pope was coming to town. Finally, a chance at redemption, a chance at salvation, a chance to kick it with his holiness, Pope Benedict the XVI. While there haven’t been nearly as many Pope Benedicts as there have been Super Bowls, sixteen is still an impressive number. Clearly, these guys are doing something right.

Protesters in London and Paris have disrupted the joyous procession of the Olympic Torch as it makes its way to Beijing. Why would anyone protest the Olympics, a globally unifying celebration of nations beating one another into submission in various athletic events? It has everything to do with China’s human rights record, which is terrible, especially when compared to their record for number of steroid-enhanced female gymnasts with mustaches. Watch for the one with the handle-bar mustache this Summer. She is great on the parallel bars. Just do not use the shower after she shaves her legs; it’s gruesome.

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