THE VAULT

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Run from the giant mutant skull!

The Pentagon recently announced that they had “accidentally” shipped Taiwan parts from a Minuteman ballistic missile. These parts, consisting of four electrical fuses, are used to trigger nuclear weapons (although they do not contain nuclear material). Taiwan had ordered helicopter batteries, but received the fuses instead, which if you weren’t already aware, makes no goddamned sense whatsoever. To put it in layman’s terms, Taiwan ordered the salmon, and we delivered blowfish. In other words, we’re morons.

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Sunday, March 16, 2008

The Presidential elections are heating up with a heat so hot, you may call it picante! Obama continues to gain strength, Hillary continues to whine, and everyone continues to cringe as the Democratic party, once again implodes. Now, Slantmouth proudly presents: Everyone is Yelling! Clinton vs. Obama Round Two!

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Spitzer Screws Self
by Julius Serpentine

Like some sort of perverted elf.

The air is ripe with the stink of another political sex scandal. The Democratic Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, was revealed to have had 7 to 8 rendezvouses with high-end prostitutes. Despite the shock displayed by many, it should come as little surprise. In recent years, the annual political sex scandal has become a cherished national tradition, joining baseball, apple pie, and driving Native Americans into alcoholism. Frankly, the nation should be proud that a politician finally figured out how to dial a phone and hire a trained professional, instead of using the Congressional Page system as their personal farm team for sordid games of pitch-and-catch. At the very least, the citizen’s of New York can take solace in knowing that Spitzer’s tax payer paid salary went into good and highly lubricated hands.

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Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Holy crack on toast!

Imagine. Night falls across the land, and a menace takes to the street. They scurry in the darkness, hunting, searching, seeking… questing. They seek not flesh, not brains not souls, no; they’re after your electronics. Why? Because thanks to a decision by the U.S. Sentencing Commission, thousands of crack convicts could be released from federal prisons, thus flooding the streets with something more terrifying than even zombies. That’s right… we’re talking about crack heads.

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