THE VAULT

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Today, Slantmouth brings you the first part in a new, ongoing series- Everyone is Yelling! While this feature will likely stick to the sticky stuff, like elections, only sweet Jesus himself actually knows where this one will end up going—probably nowhere! Everyone is Yelling will highlight intelligent, point, counterpoint debates from prominent figures.

This round? Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama!

Let’s get ready for some YELLING!

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Monday, February 25, 2008
The Odd Couple Out
by Julius Serpentine

I'm so frickin' bored... can I retire now?

After nearly fifty years, Fidel Castro has resigned as President of Cuba. As his reign of leading a country into abject poverty ends, a new life begins. It will be a life of nonstop toga parties, with a pinch of dementia. When a man waits until his 80’s to retire, as Castro has, there is a lot of living to make up for. Watch out ladies; Fidel is here and there is no feeling like the touch of his luxurious beard against your skin.

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Earth: At Least it’s a Dry Heat
by Finnius Fapperton Science Monkey

A new study this week has prompted a prominent figure in the scientific community to once again emerge and raise the question of global warming with the world. The study, conducted by your own Finnius Fapperton, has shown that the weather is, indeed, totally effed up. The method performed in the study consisted largely of walking outside.

Seriously, does it take a team of rocket meteorologists to figure this out? The past week has had more highs and lows than a heroine addict. It’s like the climate jumped onto a gargantuan trampoline and is taking us all for a ride. Problem is, we’ve got a bunch of punk-assed kids telling us that nothing is wrong!

Screw you, kids! Here we are, trying to ruin your future with all of the SUVs money can buy, and you go and support that? You won’t even remember what polar bears are, you ingrates! You know, what? Forget the environment. We all hope you burn.

Friday, February 15, 2008
It’s Raining Death
by The Colonel

You've just been Sputnik'd.

Recently, it came to light that a US spy satellite, which was launched in December of 2006, had almost immediately lost power shortly after reaching orbit and is currently spinning out of control, hurtling around our planet as we speak. As stunned as this faithful Slantmouth servant is to say this: That’s not the bad news. The bad news is that it’s going to come crashing down to Earth, and while it will likely be in a spectacular fashion, the chances are equally likely that it could kill someone.

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Thursday, February 7, 2008

Like an Episode of 24 but, you know, boring.

Super Tuesday has come and gone, as Americans take another few steps towards deciding the future of this country. To many Republican voters, that future is a few years away from forgetting its own name and incontinence. John McCain has taken a definitive advantage in the race to represent the Republican party as its Presidential nominee. The only way the other candidates have a chance is for McCain to spontaneously combust from old age. It’s a long shot but it’s better than waiting for a Cialis overdose.

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