THE VAULT

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I'm outta here! Durrrrrrrrr!

This doesn’t come easily, folks. It’s over. The dream is dead, and it started to die last night at 9pm Eastern Standard Time. That’s right. It pains this mortal man to say it, but George W. Bush’s last State of the Union has been delivered, and the staff here at Slantmouth knows that life from this point out will never be the same. So, like the President, we won’t stand about sniffling with our collective lips quivering, hoping that we can relive the glory days of yore. No. Instead, we will step gallantly (some would even say heroically… or sensuously) forward into the light of a new day, hand-in-hand with the man who has only 356 days of a ridiculously awesome presidency remaining.

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Sunday, January 27, 2008
The Great Debaters: Death Slap
by Julius Serpentine

America! Death Slap! Match Made In Heaven!

With presidential nominations up for bid, candidates are willing to take whatever competitive advantage they can get. While getting injected in the rear with horse steroids would not be give quite the advantage needed, apparently celebrity endorsements are just what the kind of doctor operating out of an unmarked white van would order. The main endorsements have come from Hollywood action stars so far past their sell-by dates that it’s like watching sentient mold recommend the next President of the United States. It is a bit unnerving and simultaneously silly. It is exactly like watching the movie Swamp Thing, if it was about the Reagan election campaign.

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Thursday, January 17, 2008
Strait Trippin’
by The Colonel

Fellas, let's kill some speed boats!

Last week, in the Strait of Hormuz (which is conveniently located on the northern coast of Iran), a group of speed boats from the Iranian Revolutionary Guards Corps (IRGC) “provocatively” approached 3 US Navy vessels nearly sparking World War III and the very holocaust that all those prattling evangelical gits have been praying for so diligently. Unfortunately, the whole thing turned out to be the most hilarious practical joke in the history of the world, executed by none other than the Legendary “Filipino Monkey.” This international prankster tends to favor creating chaos in international shipping lanes and various other side-splitting stunts. Sadly, the Filipino Monkey, not unlike most monkeys, tends to hurl feces at folks at the worst conceivable times.

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

You old dog, you!

Slantmouth was pleased to learn that our dear friend and President of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, has made public his relationship with Carla Bruni, a former French supermodel and popstar. Slantmouth is happy for our friend, especially since if there is one political leader deserving of a supermodel it’s Sarkozy, followed closely by Charles Taylor. Taylor isn’t looking quite like his chipper, murderous self during his current imprisonment and war crimes tribunal, but it’s nothing a supermodel with a file baked inside wouldn’t cure.

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Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Champagne, like bitterness, flows freely on New Years' Eve

The year 2007, was, regrettably, a bit of a disappointment for the staff here at Slantmouth. While we did, indeed, manage to survive, and really, when you’re face to face with a year like 2007, that’s really all that can be expected.

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