THE VAULT

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Let's try something a little more festive next time, like protest pinatas.

Protesting is a ancient art. Even in the time of the Egyptian Pharaohs people protested. They were, of course, unceremoniously beaten to death and fed to cats, but civil action was alive and well, even if the protesters weren’t. As time has gone on, methods have evolved, changing with the demands of society. Now, more than ever, it is difficult to get anyone’s attention. Our lives have a running sound track, courtesy of our consumerist yearnings, and there is no escape. So, like an attention hungry step-child that you never wanted and could care less about if he/she died in a tragic household blender accident, protesting has had to kick it up a notches to get us to acknowledge its existence.

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Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Toxic the Kid
by The Colonel

Your destruction is guaranteed, Communist scum!

In our modern world, our bodies are both deprived of and exposed to a host of things that our ancestors had learned to cope with over centuries. Bacteria, germs, and other invisible nasty things are obliterated by an assortment of anti-bacterial soaps and hand sanitizers. Though, frankly, the latter is a Grade-A time saver, so I haven’t washed my hands in roughly 6 ½ months. Nothing is as pure as Purell.

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Monday, October 15, 2007
Enter the Dragon
by Julius Serpentine

Your destruction is guaranteed, Communist scum!

The Dalai Lama will be meeting with President Bush, a day before heading to Congress to receive their highest civilian award, the Congressional Gold Medal. Perhaps Mr. Lama should consider wearing a nice suit, instead of his usual sheet-and-meet ensemble. Most events in Congress go over better with the absence of visible armpit hair. It already smells enough like old men in the Capital Building without the added aroma of Dalai Lama B.O. and its high concentration of “Holy.”

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Friday, October 12, 2007
The Pains of Acclaim
by The Colonel

As most of you are most likely already aware, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace prize this week. The staff here at Slantmouth thought that was pretty awesome, and we hope you think that’s pretty awesome, too. He’s done a lot for things like the environment, and the world, and well, beards. We sent our very own reporter in the field, Roger (he’s like Madonna, Cher, or even Prince. He only needs one name), to record the event in Stockholm, Sweden; live from none other than the man of the hour, the tower of power, the guy who makes global warmers glower, Al Gore.

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Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Suing for a Living
by The Colonel

They start with stealing music. Then they move on to children.

Last week, Jammie Thomas, was fined $220,000 for alleged music piracy and illegal song sharing, the result of a lawsuit against her filed by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). Not to be the ones to pick a weak target, the RIAA made sure to choose someone who was clearly a malicious, evil pirate and it’s quite obvious they succeeded. The last time Slantmouth went after pirates, we wound up sailing a “borrowed” yacht to somewhere in the middle of international waters and inadvertently stumbling upon the world’s largest “Crack, Hooker, and Clown” party. Hey, in international waters, anything goes!

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Monday, October 1, 2007
The Thrill of the Hunt
by Julius Serpentine

He looks like he's ready for another round, baby.

The United States Military has started a new campaign offering $200,000 for information leading to the capture of 12 Taliban and al-Queda leaders in Afghanistan. Military officials believe that the terrorists operate much like the mob, constantly staying in hiding and beating guys with shovels. By making them more visible, as the FBI did with the mob, the military hopes to have similar success in destroying their operations, relegating the Taliban to waste management and strip clubs.

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