THE VAULT

Monday, September 24, 2007

Dealing out Justice by capping the innocent.

Things can be a little tough for a cowboy these days. Shucks, it seems like people have a problem with their way of life. Back in my day, I was a cowboy, but I roamed the open plains of the African Savanna. So I suppose I was more of an elephantboy, or rhinoboy. Rhinoboy definitely sounds cooler. At any rate, it was shoot first and ask questions later. In my particular case, it was throw giant, irreplaceable spear from atop a lion and ask questions later, but the point is I understand what it’s like. There’s a lot of pressure when you’re the sheriff in town, and not every one’s going to understand that.

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Monday, September 17, 2007
Greenspan: For Her Pleasure
by Julius Serpentine

Invisible Marionette!

Alan Greenspan’s memoir, The Age of Turbulence: Adventures in a New World, hits bookstores this week and the Slantmouth staff could not be more excited. It’s not that we plan to actually read the book, it’s just nice to see a senior citizen continuing to make a contribution to society. Even at 81, Greenspan penned 500+ pages of exhilarating words, organized into sentences, combined to form paragraphs, and split into chapters. That’s pretty much all we could figure from staring at the cover of the book for fifteen minutes, before deciding to instead savagely pummel our subordinates in a another game of “pin the tail on the intern”. The Colonel alone is 3000 – 0 against the interns. We invented the game last week.

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Monday, September 10, 2007

Is something wrong? Probably.

Has it really been six years already? It’s amazing how fast time gets away from you, seemingly slipping through the fingers like sand, or a carrot covered in sexual lubricant. Don’t ask. Even though the years have undoubtedly blurred together since that sunny morning six years ago, most remember the day vividly. A day burned into ones vision, never to be blinked away.

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007
To Catch a Senator
by Julius Serpentine

I'm not gay, but most people in bathrooms are.

Senator Larry Craig, an Idaho Republican, has resigned following a scandal surrounding his attempt to join the infamous “Sea Level Club” at a Minneapolis airport. Using a strange mating ritual involving tapping his foot to attract other male bathroom attendees, Craig hoped to get lucky. By lucky we mean doing dirty deeds in a public bathroom with a man he did not know, the kind of situation Wet-Naps® were invented for.

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