THE VAULT

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of forgetfulness which only an Alzheimer patient could match, Attorney General Roberto Gonzales announced his resignation on Monday. The staff here at Slantmouth couldn’t be happier. The rumors began on Friday, which led most of us toward a weekend of nervous excitement, waiting for Monday like children wait for Christmas. Then, it happened; Gonzales announced a press conference, game on.

A virus is quickly spreading across America and there is no vaccine. Researchers have found that Adenovirus-36 (Ad-36), a common cause of respiratory and eye infections, turns stem cells into fat cells, causing obesity in the Infected. As it makes its way into every man, woman and child in America, the landscape of the country will be shaken, perhaps enough to destroy the very foundation of our society. Ad-36 will bring about Armageddon and we will be too busy breathing hard from our walk to the refrigerator to stop it. Thankfully, Slantmouth is here to help.

Today we part ways with a very special friend. Hell, if this guy hadn’t been around, the idea of a Bush presidency may have never been possible. He was the one who got Bush through some of the toughest times, took a lot of heat for him, and some say would’ve died for him. That’s right. Today, we bid adieu to Bush’s brain.

Congress has passed a bill expanding the Government’s powers to eavesdrop on foreign nationals without the need of a warrant, even if those communications involve United States citizens. It is not that the current administration had not been doing this already, but now it is officially legal. The Slantmouth staff cannot wait until punching politicians directly in the solar plexus is finally legal. All this sneaking around and wearing ski masks has been a real pain.

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