THE VAULT

Don’t call me a turncoat. God knows that if there’s anyone more patriotic than your very own Colonel Moses Blackwell, I’ll eat my hat. It’s a big hat, and it’d be hard to eat. I don’t intend to be eating it anytime soon. But are we, as a nation, losing to win?

The White House is actively engaged in discussion to close down Guantanamo Bay, a horribly festering pimple on the nose of the United States. This nation was once one of the cool kids at the lunch table. Unfortunately, after a series of missteps, and the aforementioned blemish, things have changed. The United States still sits at the same table, but in this cafeteria there is only one lunch table. The rest of the kids are on the floor, eating crumbs.

Terrorism is a bigger global threat than ever. The annals of history have seen generation after generation of terrorist scum come and go, but we may now be facing evils that we are wholly unprepared for. If you thought Al Qaeda was bad, the humble paladins of liberty here at Slantmouth may need to prepare you for something even worse.

An amazing document has been discovered, and we are not talking about the manual for The Colonel’s heavily-modified Roomba vacuum cleaning death-machine and assault vehicle we found between the couch cushions. The important document in question is a handwritten note from Abraham Lincoln to General George Meade after Gettysburg. In it Lincoln urged for the “substantial destruction” of Robert E. Lee’s fleeing army to end the war. Unfortunately, Meade allowed Lee’s army to escape back into Confederate territory and the Civil War continued for two more bloody years, but the important thing is that we now have this original, two-sentence note!

Some people get things like toasters and fine China for their weddings. They register months in advance everywhere from Bed, Bath and Beyond to Victoria’s Secret. But not Andrew Speaker, no, that’s not the kind of guy he is.

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