THE VAULT

Monday, May 28, 2007
Living Memorial
by Julius Serpentine

The patron saint of tromping ass in all of his rage-fueled glory.

With Memorial Day upon us, a day in which we remember American war dead by going to beaches and having barbecues, Slantmouth thought it was appropriate to bring in someone who could tell us more about Memorial Day than anyone else. Yes, we mean Saint Memorial himself. It took time to track down the ageless Saint but it was time well spent, as he wowed us with his musings on life, death and love.

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Monday, May 21, 2007

Pictured here, contemplating whose ass to stomp.

Ex-Presidents aren’t usually keen on bashing current ones, and vice-versa. As a sign of respect to current presidents, former presidents usually keep the name-calling and midnight drunk-dials to a minimum. In return, current presidents refrain from such things as bombing former presidents’ houses into the ground. The circle of life goes on. Last week, however, Jimmy Carter shattered this unspoken truce, thrusting the balance between the most powerful cabal of men in the world into chaos.

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Monday, May 14, 2007
Fearonomics
by Julius Serpentine

Hey, dumb ass! Stop screwing around in your mom's backyard and go to school!

Terrorists. Terrorists. Terrorists!

Since the inception of Slantmouth as a news-reporting institution, terrorists have headlined the news. It is not by choice that we wag our gargantuan digital finger, aided by the typing of our sensual analogue fingers, at them. Like the ninja and the pirate and the robot, terrorists have entered the pantheon of overused archetypes readily awaiting our attention, and probably, in the not so distant future, our advertising dollar. Terrorist organizations will want a cut of the money being raked in by cable news. Every time Massengill advertises on a cable news channel, terrorists will want a piece of the action. A good match by any standard.

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Sunday, May 6, 2007
Masters of Debate
by The Colonel

Those pills are amazing. Check it!

The last couple of weeks here at Slantmouth have been filled with a sort of quiet horror. One would think with the Democrats debating one week, and Republicans the next; we’d be atwitter with excitement over the new possibilities that lie ahead. We’re not. I think malaise would be the word that best describes the mood at the office here lately, and it’s not due to that awful Thai food we had the other day, although the place hasn’t really smelled the same since.

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