THE VAULT

Sunday, April 29, 2007
Smuggling For Freedom
by Julius Serpentine

Unfortunately, this was trying to get them back IN to Mexico.

President Bush delivered the commencement address at Miami Dade College, and spent much of it discussing the life-affirming and inspirational topic of immigration reform. Just thinking about it makes the Slantmouth staff want to go out there and be somebody.

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Sunday, April 22, 2007
A Boy Named Alberto
by The Colonel

Dude! Janet Reno's balls were at least this big!

First off, we just want to mention that there’s a giant, tap-dancing elephant in the room. But the staff here at Slantmouth feels that addressing this particular elephant would be rather unnecessary, and rather counter-productive. The media has been all over it, even though attention is the one thing that this sort of very disturbed elephant doesn’t need. So, as said elephant makes a furious racket, we’re going to tell you a little story about a boy named Alberto.

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Monday, April 16, 2007
Tale of the Tape
by Julius Serpentine

Man. Busy year.

There is something in the air. A scent of some kind. Oh, yes. That is the sweet, scandalous smell of a sex tape.

Honestly, it is not sweet. In fact, it makes a man’s very flesh crawl. You see, this is not your garden variety sex tape circling the media rounds. There are no marginally talented Hollywood socialites or urine soaked teenagers to amuse jaded internet pornographers. No. This tape is serious.

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Monday, April 9, 2007
Poor You
by The Colonel

Poor families. One less thing to care about.

Here at Slantmouth, we try not to go over the same thing again and again. We prefer things to feel as though we’re moving forward, rather than skipping on forever like some broken record of current events. Being the undying advocates for change that we are, we would hope that it wouldn’t be long before the people would wise up and start to fix all that is wrong with the world, but as usual, this just isn’t the case.

Global warming once again reared its head last week, unleashing a devastating two-pronged attack on those who can defend against it least: the poor. A report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change found that unless drastic changes are made, the world faces increased hunger and water shortages in the poorest countries. From within an air conditioned hall in Brussels, Belgium, Rajendra Pachauri said, “(Coming to agreement on these findings) has been a complex exercise. It was like the world’s worst game of Boggle.”

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Monday, April 2, 2007
Guilty by Suspicion
by Julius Serpentine

These guys look a little... suspicious.

(Today’s secret word is “suspicious.”)

Bisher al-Rawi , a British resident, was released from Guantanamo Bay and reunited with his family in London after nearly five years in confinement. He was never charged with anything but being vaguely suspicious is punishable by nearly five years of jail time. That is between one and two years longer than the punishment for goat raping, though, admittedly, the penalty depends on the state.

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