THE VAULT

Sunday, March 25, 2007
Iran, So Far Away
by The Colonel

Sit back, relax, and enjoy your kidnapping.

It happens all the time. A little bit of fun turns into a serious situation, maybe not for those involved directly, but everyone around them. That very well may be what happened when 15 British soldiers were kidnapped by Iran last week. We know what you’re thinking, “How could there be any mistake?” Put it this way, kidnapping isn’t always a bad thing. We’ll explain.

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Sunday, March 18, 2007
Dr. Do Little
by Julius Serpentine

Toil for the homeless you worthless dregs! TOIL!

Slantmouth’s annual “Feed the Homeless Day” did not go quite as planned. True, they almost never do, but this year’s experience was terrible enough that Slantmouth Industries may have to retire one of our most cherished philanthropic events. It certainly ranks somewhere in the top ten, sandwiched between “Sponge Bathe the Elderly Day” and our “Communist Clubbing Clambake.

Slantmouth always seeks to promote the welfare of others. Company events are a way for our legion of unpaid interns to take a break from scrubbing toilets with toothbrushes and become involved in the community, something we encourage everyone to do. But something terrible happened this past weekend and it involved pet food.

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Monday, March 12, 2007

Daylight savings: Good to the last drop.

Yesterday, for the first time ever, daylight-savings time went into effect in March rather than its usual date in April. Not only will the nation be setting the clocks forward a full 3 weeks earlier, it will also be falling back 3 weeks later, thus giving us 6 weeks of glorious, golden extra sunshine. This move, one which promises to make people unreasonably early for work today, is intended to cut carbon emissions in the United States by a significant margin, since we’re entirely too lazy to turn off lights or not blast the air conditioning.

Like most things that happen in America, there was a bit of a controversy over the shift, as it affects a wide swath of the economy. For certain industries, the change will have definite benefits. For instance, candy makers expect to see brisker sales at Halloween, although analysts here at Slantmouth say that such expectations are, in fact, retarded. Other advocates include backyard barbecue enthusiasts, law enforcement officials, softball teams, environmentalists, and of course, reverse vampires.

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Monday, March 5, 2007
The Longest Wait
by Julius Serpentine

Don't worry, son... I'm okay.

Squalid living conditions for outpatients at Walter Reed Army Medical Center have caused a massive uproar. The hospital has been primarily caring for troops wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan. Army officials figured that if a soldier can survive gunshots and shrapnel, they are more than equipped to deal with rats and mold spores. Besides, according to multiple viewings of First Blood, rats are an excellent source of protein.

Despite believing that the world’s finest soldiers could overcome the simplistic political and social circumstances of the Walter Reed rats, army officials were shocked when many Americans found the conditions to be horribly disrespectful to the injured veterans. On top of the deplorable conditions, many veterans have found it nearly impossible to schedule follow up appointments for their injuries due to bureaucratic tape. While tape generally can fix many problems, missing limbs is not one of them. Taped on severed limbs cause more harm than good.

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