THE VAULT

Sunday, February 25, 2007
PB & Salmonella
by The Colonel

I like my peanut butter with just a dash of disease.

There could be a terror lurking quietly in your home as you read this very article. No one knows how it got there, or why, but rest assured, it may or may not be there. Where is this silent killer? Who or what is it, and why don’t I just come out and tell you? Because, dear reader, as you should already know, that’s not the way the media works and neither does Slantmouth.

Imagine: when your child comes home from a hard day of school, and no one is there to protect him, not even you. But somewhere in your house, a killer awaits who could strike at any moment. Is it an Islamic Extremist? One of those sickos from Dateline? A bear?

Continue Reading…

Monday, February 19, 2007
An Army of None
by Julius Serpentine

I'm still here, terrorist scum.

Lance Corporal Robert Pennington, a United States Marine, was convicted and sentenced to eight years in a military prison for his participation in the murder of an Iraqi civilian. The highly trained 22-year-old implement of death pleaded guilty to conspiracy and kidnapping, in exchange for prosecutors dropping the more serious murder charges. It seems the military believes that justice is best served through diplomacy and compromise.

In April of 2006 Pennington and seven other soldiers set out to kidnap and kill a suspected insurgent, but became frustrated when they were unable to locate him. The Marines instead randomly grabbed Hashim Ibrahim Awad, a disabled 52-year-old retired police officer, who was known to have supported the American occupation. In fact, he supported it right up until he was bound and thrown into a bomb crater, where he was shot in the head ten times. Shots two through nine were just to make sure, but the tenth was definitely an accident.

Continue Reading…

Saturday, February 17, 2007
Valentine’s Day 2007: A Tender Retrospective
by Sol Holliday Holiday Monkey

Many holidays have sentimental attachment for millions and millions of people across the world. Valentine’s Day is not one of these days, as it leaves a nation divided. In the United States, every year men are goaded into buying over $12 billion on useless trinkets, stuffed toys, glimmering doo-dads, and oh yeah, chocolate. The truth is, no man likes Valentine’s Day, and that’s right, I’m including the more feminine of our gender.

Continue Reading…

Thursday, February 15, 2007
SeaWorld Buffet
by Julius Serpentine

Another successful conquest.

An Anti-Whaling activist group was forced to turn back from its pursuit of a Japanese whaling fleet near the Antarctic Circle. The group, Sea Shepherd, had to abandon their seafaring protest because one of their two ships was running low on fuel. In Japan, whale is sold in supermarkets and pricey restaurants, much like orphans are in other parts of the world.

Continue Reading…

Monday, February 12, 2007
The Ultimate Candidate
by The Colonel

O-SAM-A! Err... we mean, O-BAM-A!

Facing an exuberant crowd, Sen. Barack Obama declared that he would, indeed place his metaphorical hat into the metaphorical ring to be a Democratic candidate for President in 2008. His speech was clear and focused, drawing up the memory of Abraham Lincoln, and offering a hopeful outlook for the years to come. He promised to tackle the tough issues, and stated boldly, “People who love their country can change it.” He is what the government may fear most, an intelligent black man who is committed to change. He is the perfect Democratic candidate.

Although many say that it is too early to tell who is going to be in the running come November, Obama’s straight-forward charisma and optimistic spirit have both Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton, and Republican opponents worried. And although Clinton is ahead in the polls, Republicans are betting that’s it’s going to come down to Obama, because they’d rather run against a black man than any woman, no matter what.

Continue Reading…

Friday, February 9, 2007
CelebriMonkey: So Long, Sweetie
by Amber Starr CelebriMonkey

Reflecting.Hello, Gossip-bots. I’d like to have returned under better circumstances, but sometimes tragedy is the only thing that can break the spell white sand beaches and a Mai Tai have over me.

Anna Nicole Smith, the tabloid mainstay, passed away yesterday of undetermined causes. She was to gossip columns what groupies are to rock stars. She was always prepared to give us more of herself than we were really comfortable with, and afterwards we’d tell her to get the hell away because we had to take a phone call from our wife and kids.

Continue Reading…

Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Astronuts
by The Colonel

You guys wanna be in a love triangle?

Sometimes, the lines between fact and fiction get a little fuzzy. The staff here at Slantmouth knows that better than most; trust us, we’re fluent in half-truths. That’s why when most people saw a crazy hose-beast in Astronaut Lisa Nowak, we saw a poor, confused woman. Sure, it looks bad. And true, rarely does a perfectly rational person decide to drive some 900 miles in a diaper to “talk” to a supposed love rival, but hey- love makes people do crazy things. It’s not every day a person gets caught up in a love triangle, let alone with a fellow astronaut and an Air force captain.

Continue Reading…

Monday, February 5, 2007
Freedom Thighs
by Julius Serpentine

America only makes patriots in one size: Extra Large.

The United States has seen a new surprise champion crowned in the highly competitive sport of eating disorders. Binge eating has surpassed anorexia and bulimia, the two popular consensus favorites to contend for the title. Health experts believe binge eating should be considered a major burden on public health and sweatpants everywhere.

While anorexia and bulimia are better know, due to frequent appearances in morbid HBO documentaries, binge eating has been left behind in the footrace for public attention, perhaps because of its asthma and high blood pressure. Since it is heavily associated with severe obesity, it can be easily overlooked in a country full of the disastrously large inhabitants. An overweight Twinkie is lost in a crowded corridor of corpulent cheesecakes.

Continue Reading…

Thursday, February 1, 2007
Stonedhenge
by Julius Serpentine

I wish I lived 4,500 years ago! This is so awesome!

Archeologists have recently uncovered a long buried ancient settlement that shows the people of Stonehenge were regular party animals. The primitive collection of huts, less than two miles from Stonehenge, seemed to have been used seasonally for wild and depraved celebrations, making it the prehistoric precursor to Spring Break.

The celebrations took place in the middle of winter, making the sporting of thongs and the enjoyment of disturbing public sex acts nearly impossible. The conditions forced these ancient people to party indoors, which they took advantage of by covering the floors of their huts with half-eaten pig bones and smashed food bowls. The smells produced by the filth rival those of a modern day frat house couch-cushion, though lacking the trademark biological stains.

Continue Reading…