Iraq is bringing in the New Year unconventionally, with the hanging of Saddam Hussein. While the current United States Administration was busy extolling the virtues of American ideals and governing systems to the Iraqi people, they forgot to teach Iraq to bring in the New Year with a proper party. Preferably, a party that lacks death by hanging, though death by drunk driving is the traditional alternative.
I’ll be honest. The last few days have worn me out. What with the death of James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, and the death of Gerald Ford, the under-elected wonder, my killing finger is, well, killing me. I know what you’re thinking, “What’s a Death Monkey doing killing humans?” Well, whenever Death comes down with a cold, or a mean case of Skeletal Gonorrhea, guess who has to step in? That’s right, the Death species that’s 99.9% identical. If I’m sick, they call in Death Dog, and trust me, you don’t want that, he just sniffs your crotch to death.
Today is Christmas, yet Slantmouth is still hard at work, unlike the United States Postal Service. They may work through rain, sleet and snow, but the birth of some man more than two thousand years ago leaves them weak in the knees, and not in a good way. Yet Slantmouth, like an unstoppable juggernaut, moves forward undeterred.
In the spirit of the holiday season we decided to bring you a very special interview with Father Christmas himself. No, not Jesus. We are talking about Santa Claus. The big man up North has had a difficult year and Slantmouth exclusively brings you Santa in his own words.
This week was a monumental one for the staff here at Slantmouth. On Monday, we asked you for some help coming up with new and interesting execution ideas and you responded in droves. Our email servers were bloated nearly to capacity with the overwhelming response that we got from our readers, and now, Slantmouth presents you with the cream of the crop.
Welcome, my lovely little gossip-bots! I’m back and writing as I cruise down the French Riviera, drinking with impossibly beautiful men and women. Living an actual life makes me almost completely forget about celebrities and their useless problems, but I could never leave my readers out in the cold like that.
On to the celebrities!
Doing her best celebrity impersonation of a marginally talented starlet trading in on her good looks, Miss USA Tara Conner will be checking into rehab. Her under-aged drinking, positive drug test, and public displays of affection with Miss Teen USA have her on course to compete with even the most seasoned celebrity bitchlets. Instead of stripping her title, Donald Trump, whose organization owns the Miss Universe pageant, decided to give the beauty queen a second chance. I’m all about second chances. It just means more opportunities for me to write about your sad, sad future, Tara. So go ahead and whore it up!
Death. It is a notion most of us fear. But in California and Florida this week, a moratorium on executions is allowing the inmates on death row sleep just a little bit easier. As one inmate, Frankie “The Deuce” Ramirez, put it, “It’s great. My only concerns now are beatings, shankings, institutionalization, crapping in front of a thousand people, and terrible food. Oh, right, and sodomy. Awesome.”
U.S. District Judge Jeremy Fogel ruled that California’s “implementation of lethal injection is broken.” The judge found that the three-drug cocktail used by San Quentin State Prison is so painful it should be considered cruel and unusual punishment. How the concept of killing someone via fruity cocktail is not already deemed, at very least, unusual remains a mystery.
In efforts to make our current government even more likable, this week the Bush Administration asked the federal court to over turn a lower court’s ruling to make money of different sizes for the blind stating, “Can’t they just smell the difference or something? I thought they were supposed to be super-human? You know, like Ben Affleck.”
With the end of the Donald Rumsfeld Experience in sight, Rumsfeld has fired up the bus for his farewell tour. The first stop was the Pentagon, where he headlined a sold-out show and delivered an emotional final address in which he called for patience in Iraq. Though, he failed to mention that patience probably would have been even more useful before the invasion.
Unfortunately, patience as a commodity has been in short supply for quite some time. Many economists believe the peak of the current patience drought that coincided with the invasion of Iraq was not just a simple coincidence. Constructing a plethora of complicated graphs, economists have shown that the plight of patience, which prevented careful planning of the Iraq invasion, led directly to a premature launch and the ensuing sticky mess.
Even with Congress in a lame duck session, the outgoing Republican majority feels it is their duty to push as many bills as possible, regardless of how unfavorable the outcome. This Congress will not cut and run. Their single-minded determination has gotten them this far and changing course now would only validate their critics, which among others, include the American people.
In startling news, revealed last week, human beings face extinction. According to world-renowned British physicist, Stephan Hawking, unless humans begin to develop, “Star Trek”-style propulsion, we will be driven (possibly in our mom’s minivan) into extinction. While most are praising Hawking for his forward thinking, this Slantmouth reporter thinks Mr. Hawking has, once again, gone too far.
Professor Hawking believes that, “sooner or later disasters such as an asteroid collision or a nuclear war could wipe us all out,” he continued, “and seriously, do you want to be here for that?” He then laughed in that creepy, robot voice of his.
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