If you’re like me, Thanksgiving makes you think of a lot of things (turkeys, Pilgrims, Indians, small pox), and while it was a week ago, I felt I needed distance on it to give an accurate account of what it means.
Thanksgiving is traditionally celebrated as a day to give thanks and for the Pilgrims, these thanks went to Squanto. He was their translator, their tour guide, and their hunting instructor. Without Squanto, the Pilgrims likely would have died quickly in the New World, starved into extinction and frozen to their overly-stylish pantaloons.
Alexander Litvinenko, an outspoken critic of Russian President Putin and an ex-KGB spy, died from radioactive poisoning in London last Thursday. Traces of a rare radioactive element named polonium-210, which is produced in nuclear reactors and particle accelerators, was found in his body and, like a bad marriage, it slowly killed him.
How this substance found its way into Litvinenko has been the source of many questions in the media. We are here to give you the answers. Slantmouth operatives were able to intercept a series of classified emails between high-ranking Kremlin intelligence officers. We now present them to you unedited.
Hello, gossip-bots! I’m back once again, to show you how you’re actually much better than the people you idolize. If you still don’t believe me after this column, down a few drinks. It always works for me.
Now on to the celebrities!
Michael Richards, the actor who played Kramer on “Seinfeld”, is in the news and relevant for the first time in years. Unfortunately, it isn’t because he’s done anything funny, which, had he actually done something funny, would’ve also been for the first time in years. While performing in a Los Angeles comedy club, Richards was being heckled and unleashed his bitter, washed-up rage on the heckler, a black man.
Once again, the Internet has come ablaze with controversy over a video posted last Wednesday showing a student at UCLA getting tasered by campus police. Reportedly, the incident started when the student, Mostafa Tabatabainejad, 23, couldn’t produce his student ID badge, or “BruinCard.” Mr. Tabatabainejad soon stated that he would leave and as he did, police approached to do the only thing that seemed rational at the time; try to force him to leave even faster. This is where things went a little, well, we’ll say hectic:
The Toys for Tots program has rejected the offer of 4,000 talking Jesus dolls. Bill Grien, vice president of the charitable foundation, stated, “We can’t take a chance on sending a talking Jesus doll to a Jewish family or a Muslim family.” Adding, “Kids want a gift for the holiday season that is fun, and let’s face it, there’s nothing fun about crucifixion.”
The battle has ended and the smoke has finally cleared. Karl Rove, the rotund Republican political architect and perennial Benjamin Franklin look-alike, emphatically stated there was no way the Republicans would lose in this midterm election.
Then “a thumping”, as President Bush called it, occurred. It is not clear what brutal, blunt instrument of destruction was used to execute this thumping. Maybe it was an old stiletto heel or a Ming vase or a prosthetic leg, but Slantmouth is betting that it was the bloody clang of democracy, squarely to the skull.
Hello, my gossip-bots! It’s been a while. Did you miss me? I almost missed you, after my fifth wine cooler. Enough about you, let’s talk about some celebrities.
Kirstie Alley, refusing to be fat and go away, appeared on Oprah yesterday in a bikini. Alley, once tipping the scales and compact cars at 219 pounds, has lost 75 pounds. The former “Cheers” cast member starred most recently in her reality show “Fat Actress”, where she played the only role she’s played for several years; a fat actress.
I’m really proud of you, Kirstie. Now that you’ve shed all of that weight at the ripe age of 55, you can finally start a new phase of your career; being an old actress. But don’t gain it back, dear. Kathy Bates dominates the competition for old, fat actresses. You don’t want to tangle with her. I hear she’s a vicious bitch (and a biter).
Tomorrow, an epic battle will rage across the nation, setting the course of the country for the next four years. Scandal has reared its ugly head once again, and our friends the Republicans are looking more red than ever. Sex, corruption, lies, and perversion have indelibly tainted this election year, putting Democrats at a strong advantage to take back control of the House.
While it is damn near impossible to suss out all of the mitigating factors that fall behind how people vote, there are many things going on this election that could change both people’s minds and their votes. The war, the deficit, homosexual pedophile Congressmen- anything could send one screaming from their party of choice, or in the case of NAMBLA, become staunch supporters of the Republican party.
So, I have to apologize to the Saint Louis Cardinals’ fans. They actually won.
The method I used to predict the Series wasn’t exactly scientific. A theoretical fistfight between the mascots of two teams can be used to determine a lot of things; the winner of the World Series is not one of them. I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll restrict my mascot Ultimate Fight fantasies to determining Divisional Series.
I hate to come out of my first column for Slantmouth a loser. I feel I have to redeem myself. The first column ended like Rocky I. A large black guy didn’t pummel me, but I still feel like I’m peeling myself off the mat.
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